Dream Log #5

Previous

Okay, so this is going to be a super duper short log because I don't actually remember that much about this dream since it happened last night (so more than 14 hours ago) but there was just some really important stuff that happened in it that I want to write about in hopes of making some sense of it (because these dream logs help me make sense of my dreams so yay!)

First for all you people reading this notbwell versed in my personal, in-real-life life, some backstory. So I changed schools my seventh grade year the last two weeks of school and went to a different scool (obvs, hence the changing schools thing) and this school is basically a school where 90% of the students go on to attend highschool at the school I graduated from (both are private schools). Well, I went there the last two weeks of seventh grade as well as eighth grade where I spent a hell of a lot of time with a guy well call "K" and a girl I've talked about quite a few times on my blog, we'll call her "C." Now, K, C and I weren't exactly friends at the time (I didn't consider anyone at that school my friend because I was basically about as socially inept as you could get at that time), but we spent almost every day together because we were the tyree smartest kids in the class (as far as grades go, I think the ordering was C, me, then K but if we're judging actual smarticles, I'm cocky enough to say that had I ever actually tried in school, I could have been first) so everyday we went to a specially smat people class together at the high school we all eventually graduated from. That entire time, I didn't really think K liked me a whole hell of a lot (though I suspected it was one of those "ew, girls are gross" things because he didn't seem to like a single girl in the class until his future short-term girlfriend came in second semester) anywho, so K, C and I were all stuck together even though none of us particularly liked each other (even though I adore C now, at the time, I found her to be incredibly uppity and a goody-two shoes so I didn't much like her either and then K and C had been rivals since Pre-K so they didn't like each other so we were all relatively polite to each other but by no means friends).

Now, K is... Well, he's not my type by any stretch of the imagination but... He's got something that groes on you. Like, he's the type that girls think they want. He's slightly above average when it comes to how attractivd he is, athletic, intelligent, but mostly he's funny. He's like kind of some sort of ideal I suppose, for your average girl, but now my ideal. But you know how when there's a room full of people and none of them are particularly attractive to you so you just pick the most attractive one you can manage amd go "I guess they'll do" and kind of crush on them but not really, because you don't really like them, you just like tye idea of liking somebody? Well, K was I-don't-really-like-you-but-you'll-do for the entire ficking school because nobody there caught my eye but I just liked the idea of having someone to daydream about while I was bored in class (which was often). So I didn't really want him to but sometimes I would think about what it would be like if we were dating, what we would talk about, if he ever wondered aboit the same things, if maybe the reason he was so cold to me was that little boy mentality he seemed to have that "if I act like I don't like her hopefully she won't realize that I really do" and stuff like that. Did I really believe any of this was a possibility or would ever even happen? No. But it's a nice thing to think about to fill the emptiness in your head.

Well anyway, we all graduated and they went their way and I went on to attend my city's "smart people school" for a year and a half basically until my dad pullede out and put me back in private school. So here I was in a class with K and C again. And it was weird because they had changed and I wasn't expecting that. I wonder if they thought I had changed a lot, too... But that's neither here npre there. The thing was, K was suddenly acting like we had been best buds in middle school. Well, not best buds, but simce we "reunited" so to speak, he's always siper friendly with me. Not flirty, no, just super nice and affectionate and never once has he been cold to me like he was in middle school, not even when I first came back. Like as soon as I started attending this high school, he's always all smiles and jokes when I'm around and it's so nice. But let ke clarify, not once has there every been remotely sexually charged around us. We are close aquantances at best, quite friendly but not close and certainly not attracted to each other.

Well, a year and a half goes by, senior year comes and I change schools again, thinking I would help my college career bu attending a high school that actually offered classes in fields I planned to be studying in university (the arts, which the high school I ended up graduating from does not have jack shit in), but I had to move in with my mother to attend this new school and ultimately I couldn't handle the stress that put on me so I ended up moving back in with my father and re-entering that same school Yet again, K and I seem to have grown closer in some ways.

While sophomore and junior year I only shared one class of one semester with K, the last semester of my senior year, I shared four classes with him (or was it five, I can't seem to remember my fifth period so I may have shares that with him, too). We spent most of the day together and while it's not like we ate lunch together or spoke a ton in the halls, we often joked around and conversed in class. Again, not best buds, but we were increasingly friendly with each other.

Well the thing I didn't add was that shortly before I started attending this high school, K had started dating a girl, we'll call her D. I always had a very good impression of D and, while I wasn't friends with her, we were also very friendly because every class I shared with K, I shared with D, too (and C, except for College Composotion because she had to take speech that period.) K, D, and C were- are- all very goal oriented and high-achievers. I'm just a really smart slacker who gets bored in the normal classes so I have to take the honors classes. I think I admire them all so I was always rooting for their success, which I included K and D's relationship. Like my inner romantic just really, really, really wanted to worj out. They had started dating around the same time I had astarted attending this high school so it felt like I was growing with their relationship. Like I was convinced they would be the high school sweethearts who got married and we all talked about at the reunions and stuff. I mean, sometimes it felt more like D was K's mom than his girlfriend, but I figured that was just her personality, because she's not really silly and doesn't joke around all the time like K does.

But well, I found out last week that K and D had broken up because rhey're attending different colleges, and well, I don't know, that just makes me sad. Like, I had really wanted it to work out for them. I mean, I rarely get this invested in hetero relationship (the only exception probably being two of my underclass man friend who I am practically their relationship councelpr but tyat's besides the point) so when I found out they broke up, like it hurt, probably more than it should.

But at the same time, I found out K is now dating another friend of mine, B, which is great for him I think. Like, my inner superficial bitch thinks as far as looks go, he could probably gone better if he wanted, not because B isn't pretty, just I think K could get like really, really pretty girls if he tried. But besides that, I really think K and B are good for each other. They're both pretty silly and just upbeat and optimistic amd fun-loving amd I just thinl this is a really good thing, and it could probably work out and I'm excited for them. Like if you don't understand the joy ofbtwo friend getting together and the surprise and joy for them yoy feel, then I don't know hpw to describe it to you. It's just great, it really is. Like, ah, it makes me smile just thinking about them being all cuteband going on dates together and K hanging outbwith all B's friends and just hehehee SO CUTE!

But anyway, onto the point of this blog, like, I don't really remember most of it bit I've just had this weird feeling hanging over me ever since I I had this dream like... I don't know, it's probably nothing, but it still makes me feel weird.

So as usual, it was some story of a mission where I had to complete, but to do that, I had to do something else first but I got distr as cted from that task some how then got distracted from that task that had distracted me from the last task and this is an ongoing theme in a lot of my dreams and it's really dristrating. But the difference was about half wau through, I was reunited with my "boyfriend", K. Well, dream-boyfriend. And it was weird because our relationship was completely natural, like the kind where we just always sort of knew where the other one was in the room, what we were doing, et, amd it just felt like.one of those long relationships, like we had been together a long time and we were just so comfortable with each other and it was nice. Like just really nice guys. Like it made me remember how nice it could be sometimes when I did date, having someone attuned to my actions, my emtions, and having K there suddenly made me so much less stressed about all these tasks, this big mission I had to complete and while he didn't do any of it fore me, him just being there helped and at the time I didn't think it was weird at all like, I loved this guy, he was my partner and he was there for me and he supported.me, held me and kissed my forehead when I fell down and it was just so damn nice. Like no real relationship for me has ever been so comfortable. And even though K wasn't actually active in me doing any of this stiff, him just being there helped evdeyrhing go smoothly and stuff was getting done, he was keeping me relaxed and making sure I didn't get stressed out and I was making progress, and no I didn't complete the mission before I wake up (I never do) but for once it wasn't just one thing on top of another, it was me actually accomplishing what was put before me instead of getting buried beneath everything.

And I wake up a lot wishing I hadn't, wishing I could go back to my dreamworld (especially my story dreams, because I want to fins out the ending and so often, I'm right on the brink just before I wake up and ARGH SO FRUSTRATING) but never once have I wanted I wanted to so bad. Like you in Breaking Dawn (Kh yeah, I'm about to go Twilight on your asses) how Bella wakes up from that dream of her and Edward getting kinky and it was so good she cried because she woke up? Well, this wasn't exactly like that (I mean, we never ficked) but it was pretty close. Like I just wanted to finish all thos le things I had to do and I wanted K with me to do them (maybe not K specifically, the the idea of a K who would stand by me and support me through thick and thin) and I wasn't ready to leave this fantasu where K was mine yet. Not even because I'm into K. Even when I was fully conscious and thought about the possibility of being with K in real life, I couldn't see it, but I just want what K was for me, what K did for me, which may not have seemed like much of anything at all, considering mostly all he did was follow me around or stand there and talk me through things while I was doing stuff or just stand there with his arm around my shoulder while I was talking to someone, but that was a lot to me.

And I think, maybe I'm telling me something, in a subconscious sense. Like, maybe it's time to start dating again. Like, I like that feeling, of being supported by someone, and I want that again, and zi think I could give that to someone again. But I haven't dated in three years and it's scary to think of trying to find someome again. I wish the world was as easy as K just showing up and us just both naturally knowing that we're together but that's not the way the world works for one, for two, K has B now (let alone if he even likes me anyway... Which HA), and three, I don't even know if is who I really want anyway. I mean, I like K as a friend, but I couldn't imagine having sex with him, kissing him, waking up to his face or doing anything else people in a relationship do.

That's why it's so confusing that of all the guys I know (or girls), he was the one my brain decided to make my imaginary boyfriend. Like what? Like I don't even understand. I could understand if it was someone I was actually attracted to, or even one of the guys hmwho asked for my number even though I'm not attracted to any of them. I mean, at least in those scenerios at least I know there is already a situation of one of us liking the other. But neither K nor I like each other. We're just friends (if that, more like close aquaintances) so why him of all people?! Like, I'm not digusted or amuthing, just confused. Do any of yall know the answer? Because I sure as hell don't. Ah, this was so weird...