The first time, when my grandmother was hurt and hospitalized when I was younger. The second, when my amazing cousin Brett died. And third, when my grandmother was diagnosed with cancer 10 months ago.
And I'm not prepared to see him cry this week. He's being tough...but I know he's hurting like crazy.
Why? Why do bad things happen to such amazing people. It’s not fair. It’s not fucking fair at all. How could this have happened? She was so strong. So amazing. So wonderful.
Yesterday, my beloved grandmother passed away after a 10 month battle with cancer. I’m so lost right now that I can’t even wrap my head around it. How do you move on? How do you put her to rest when you’re not ready to let go?
I can’t. I can’t let go of her. I don’t want to. Not yet. And when we all say goodbye on Friday…I know that I won’t be able to. I can’t say goodbye. She can’t be gone. She can’t. Please let this be a horrible nightmare. Let this nightmare be over. I want to wake up. I want to wake up and her still be here.
I want her to be sitting in her chair at home, watching her soap operas and laughing at how crazy I am with all my obsessiveness with bands. But she's not there...She'll never be there again. That chair...it'll be empty. Her tons of clocks will go off and she won't be there complaining about how she should have never bought all of them. She'll never be on facebook again, posting those silly pictures of dogs that I would tease her about. Those pictures that I would give anything to see now. She won't be at family parties, playing wii boxing and talking loudly. She won't be there the day I finish my first novel. She won't be there to see my kids (if I have any) or any of my sister's children grow up. She won't attend my brother's high school graduation.
She won't see me get my life back together, like she wished that I would. The last conversation I had with her, a week ago, we talked about how much we loved each other and how she wished I would go back to school and become a famous author and not let my writing go to waste.
And I'm going to do it. I'm going to finish my book. I'm going to go back to school. I'm going to become someone she could be proud of, even if she's not here. Not just for me, but for her too.
I love you, grandma. I always will. You were my hero and my biggest inspiration. You NEVER gave up on me, even when I wanted to give up on myself. You loved me and I loved you so much. Thank you for being a part of my life. I will miss you for the rest of my life.
Love forever,
your crazy little squirrel.
