I cannot handle another loved one dying.

The last blog I wrote was about the death of my uncle and the murder of my oldest friend and his dad. I thought that if I could survive my Uncle Dan dying and David and Mike being murdered then I could get through this year. I could try to not think about it. But now another family member is dying. My mom called to tell me that my maternal grandma has cancer again for the 3rd time. This time it is lung cancer and it has spread to far. The doctors told her that they wouldn't do surgery because it was to much to remove. And she is refusing chemotherapy. My grandma and I have never been on the best of terms. I can admit that but that doesn't mean that I don't love her or that I want her to die. I don't want to lose her.

I've found that when I think about my grandma, I don't think about the times she was mean to me. I only think about the good times we had. When we used to go shopping, when she taught me how to bake, when we picked blackberries and strawberries out of her garden and ate them before we ever got back to the house. I remember the day we made snickerdoodles and on one cookie we put salt and cinnamon instead of sugar and cinnamon on it. We gave it to my Papi and he being so nice, told me it was delicious. He didn't want to hurt my feelings since I was only 9 at the time. Finally we told him it was a prank. He immediately threw the rest of the cookie away and told us we got him good. I remember giggling with my grandma while we made them.

As I said in my last journal, I had never lost anyone close to me until March of this year. I had been lucky up until then. Now it seems that I am losing so many people I love and it is killing me. I really don't think I can handle any more dying. I've already swore to myself that if my paternal grandma dies and I have no children I am going to kill myself. It seems to be the right thing to do because I cannot imagine a world with her.

I just want to escape. Just run away so I don't have to say goodbye to anyone else.