self-esteem problems

For me my self-esteem is like an endless game of Russian Roulette. I never know when the self-hate is going to hit me. And when it does, it just stays there and stagnates, and it's made me believe - literally, almost unshakeably believe - that I am not a good person with any redeemable qualities. I used to be incredibly confident, and it wasn't that long ago. I believe self-love is the most important thing you can ever have, but for me, that idea is just floating further and further away out of my reach. I'm afraid it might disappear off the horizon altogether.

I can't be the only one who feels like this. Literally everything else in my life is perfect. I have a loving family. I have wonderful friends. I have the best boyfriend in the whole world who I can see a wonderful future with. I'm in a pretty successful band in the Glasgow hardcore scene and we've got two shows lined up plus probable recording time. The only thing wrong in the equation is me.

Bottom line, I'm unhappy with myself. And no matter what, I can't change it.

I've been seriously beginning to wonder if I'm mentally ill of some sort, because I never, ever used to be this paranoid. I worry about everything nowadays and it's driving me nuts. I don't want to put that pressure on anyone and my silly outbursts just upset and annoy everyone. I don't know where to go or who to talk to about paranoia and anxiety, as in, professional health-wise. I never used to be like this.

I don't believe I'm a good person, and I can literally feel the sadness dragging me back down. An ache in my heart persists. I wanted this chapter of my life to be over. I don't want to have to read it and feel it again.