Even if I say, it'll be alright, still I hear you say you want to end your life.

It's not everyday that you hang out with your best friend and she turns and says to you very seriously, "I hate this, and I just want to kill myself." Now mind you, I'm already depressed as fucking shit. Her name is Brianna and care about her more like a sister. And, I'm always there for her. She's always there for me. It's always been like that. I've known her since we were like three and I was referred to as her neighbor 'the little weird girl...' and I've always thought of this and laughed, because her mom was telling me about myself one day, not knowing this was me, and I just couldn't help but burst.

When I was little I had cut my own hair and it looked awful and resulted in my mom's tears as she got all my hair chopped off very short so it'd be even. Not to mention my mom often wouldn't let me go out and play because of other reasons that happened when I was young, so Bree's mom thought we were weird. But now she understands....but, yeah....

So my best friend then goes on to tell me, "Well, I don't give a fuck about school. And Maddy, I know you try to help me but you don't get that I'm fucking stupid. And being compare to the girl who's top of most of her classes is really...My parents want me to be you. I'm never going to be smart as you. And hell, I have dreams of being a Vet or a social worker, and how the fuck am I supposed to get in a college with my grades?" and I just sat there stupidly as she told me this...of course I'd thought she'd been compared to me....I've always been this sweet, smart, little Christian girl....

It broke my freaking heart. I've been trying to make her feel better, but how do you talk to your best friend who has just fucking completely given up?

I just sat there and cried. I just know that if my best friend kills herself, I'll never recover. I'd never be the same. Like fuck my grades....everything. I would just give up. I'd have no reason to get up in the morning and go to school. I need someone to be strong for me when people look at me and my fat ass and snicker.

Because according to everyone, I'm just the smart girl who cries all the time.

Not gonna lie, I'm a crier. Your cat just died? You just called me worthless? I'm very emotional. And weak.

Brianna knows this....so I wonder if i'm what's keeping her here. How do I fix something like that?

I tried to tell her I'd help her with school but all she could tell me was that she didn't want that. I tried to tell her we could talk about things but all she could tell me was she was done talking. I tried to tell her we could eat chocolate but all she could say to me was she knew I was trying to lose weight.

I'm already so depressed....and now I feel like I'm just drowning. My best friend is depressed. And soon I'm scared we won't be depressed together anymore.
August 19th, 2013 at 08:26pm