I Thought I was Over Him + Other Romantic Car Wrecks

I'm about to go take a handful of Advil and call it a night, ladies and 'gents.

I seriously have not felt this absolutely wounded and devastated in a long time, and this came out of fucking nowhere. Absolutely out of nowhere.

For years I had a huge crush on my friend Devin.
He was such a good friend to me.

We talked every day, we got along, we understood each other.

Naturally because I fuck everything up, I developed feelings for him.
How could I not though. He is l i t e r a l l y everything I could want and DO want in a male.

He's intelligent, we like the same authors, we like the same movies, we like the same music;
we go to concerts together all the time. he's my 2am call when no one else will suffice.

He completed me, I swear to God he completed me.

Now for years I harbor these emotions. Years I act like friendship is all I seek from him.
I didn't want to ruin what we had and how easily it flowed.

But a few months ago my best friend finally made me make a decision to tell him, because she saw how him asking for girl advice was tearing me apart. She saw me become less and less of who I was and more and more consumed in who I thought he needed to be...

So finally, with my stomach in my damn throat and my kidneys hanging out of my ass, I told him I thought we were supposed to be together.

Naturally, because that's just my life, he didn't feel the same way.
But apologized profusely for it.

All was -relatively- fine, we went back to being friends and ignored that it even happened.
It's almost like it didn't even happen really.

I went on with my days and eventually I was fine. I didn't think about him in that way anymore, I didn't lose hours wondering how happy we would be together; I thought I was OVER that part of my feelings for him. I was proud of myself for it.

Then tonight I'm innocently scrolling through Facebook, and I notice he's tagged with this girl.
Interested, just because he never gets tagged by anyone that isn't like me or his best friend Tobias, I clicked on his profile.

And to my absolute fucking horror he's been tagged multiple nights by this same girl in different pictures.
Looking happy.
With his arm close to hers. Smiling, hugging her.

She posts simple posts of just a heart on his wall.

They have cute couple-y banter

That did it. i don't know what snapped inside of me but I just started fucking bawling my eyes out.
I mean lip trembling, nose snotting, hands shaking full out body-wracking sobs.

Why the fuck do I CARE SO MUCH.
I thought I was fucking OVER HIM.

Why does this fucking HURT.

WHY THE FUCK DO I STILL FUCKING CARE WHO HE SEES. I'M SUPPOSED TO BE OVER HIM.

I just honestly don't know what the fuck to do. I don't know.
I don't know why I feel this way but I can't shake it now.

I texted him earlier tonight (before I saw this) and told him I missed talking to him, because we've kind of grown distant.

He never replied but was tagged 7 minutes ago in a picture with precious Sarah.

I don't give a fuck how jealous I sound right now I feel fucking sick.

If they start dating, I have to act happy for him because he thinks I'm over him.

FUCK I THOUGHT I WAS OVER HIM.

Is there some legal pill you can take to erase emotions, or..