The Survival Guide to University

With so many people across the world preparing to start their journey into University I thought it would be a good idea to create a humour filled article about how to survive freshers and how to be a real University freshman.

You have to know about your University, most things mentioned in this article don’t apply to those going to Oxford and Cambridge, probably Yale and Harvard too, so know your university and take my words with a pinch of salt, you don’t want freshers week to be your last.

Rules for freshers:

Make Friends: Simple, obvious but the friends you make in freshers week will determine who your friends with that year. TALK TO EVERYONE. Leave your past experiences behind, leave your nerves and anxiety in your dorm and simply go and be confident, people wont judge you and most people just want to make friends, remember you are not the only newbee.
Join EVERY society. Yes, I mean every society. If it interests you get stuck in, you can never join too many. I don’t mean join the bowls society because its there, nor do I say start a crazy new hobby, but if you've thought about it, do it. It's your chance!
Alcohol. Get drunk, every day. I mean really, you'll never be able to do that again in your life, the hangover will subside after a week or so and then summer, you have an excuse to be in bed
Food: Eating is for the weak, you are not weak. Noodles will do just fine as long as you have beer o fill you up.

Gyms: Dont go near the university gym unless there is a man or a woman you want to impress, work out only when the beer belly drags along the floor.
Fairs: Your freshers fair is not only a great place to meet new people and boost our opportunities, you can get free things. GRAB EVERYTHING YOU CAN! Sometimes they give you food, then you can get more booze or soda.
Parents: Call upon your parents only when you need money.
Assignments: Leave them till the last minute, unless they are unimportant, then do them weeks I advance and get a lower grade than the one you did hung over.
Friends: Always make a friend who tries harder than you, and one who doesn’t try at all. Then the balance is right and you can feel good about yourself.
Union: if you are never seen in the union bar that is okay, as long as you have another club you frequent every other night.
Free things: NEVER say no to free things.
Mornings: They do not have to exist, set your alarm clock for 1pm
Jobs: Unless you need one, scrape it on your loans.
Room-mates: Never steal their food ever, unless its pop tarts, biscuits or booze.
By the time you newbee's reach your second year things will change and the rules are different, but that’s the time you work it out yourself, remember University is meant to be the best time of your life, work hard, achieve well and remember none of it in three years time. No hospital visits or trips to the lock up and you know it was a great time, however much you dont remember.