Death Scares Me

I have a weird fascination with dead things. By that, I don’t mean I like to dig up dead bodies or play with road kill. I mean that I’m interested in life after death, ghosts, etc. I’ll go into a supposedly haunted location in a heartbeat. It’s more exciting than scary to me. Being a History major, I like that aspect of it a lot, too. But the idea of death itself is actually very scary to me.

Today, my best friend lost one of her cousins in a fatal car accident. Maybe I met him once or twice when I was younger, since their grandma was my neighbour, but I wouldn’t remember it now. Of course it’s very sad and my heart and thoughts are with her and her family right now no matter what. But when someone dies, whether I knew them or not, I can’t help but think the same thing every time. That person is gone and isn’t coming back ever. In that instant they lost their life and they can’t get it back. It’s terrifying to think that one day we’re all going to wake up and not go to bed that night. Or we’ll go to bed at night and not get up in the morning. Most of the time, we don’t know its coming. We don’t know if we make a certain choice it’ll be the last one we ever make. We just don’t know. And I think that mystery and that uncertainty is the most terrifying thing. What’s sad is I think about it all the time.

If I go on a road trip somewhere, like to the city for example, I wonder if I’ll get in a crash on the way there and die. I wonder if I’ll never see my family again or my house or my room or my friends. I wonder who’ll be at my funeral. I wonder when my friends on the internet will stop asking why I haven’t updated anything and realize what happened to me. It sounds so morbid and fucked up and it really is. I don’t want to think that way. I don’t want to imagine those things. I just do. I’m not scared of a lot of things. Ghosts don’t scare me as much as they could. Horror movies don’t do anything for me anymore. Clowns make me uncomfortable, but they don’t scare me. The thought of not knowing when I’m going to die completely paralyzes me with fear.

It really makes a person realize just how grateful they have to be each and every day. It makes me realize how lucky I am to still be here. It makes me appreciate the life I have and the people around me. It makes me value all I have right now and hold onto it tight. Because someday, and I don’t know when, but I won’t be here anymore. I just hope by the time that day comes around I’ve lived a full life with great friends and achievements and maybe a family, too. I hope I can say I’ve loved and been loved.

I don’t know. I’m sorry if this is depressing to you. You shouldn’t be depressed. You should be happy and thankful for all you have. You’re still here and you have a purpose on this earth and you’ll find it if you haven’t already. Live with all you’ve got.

Much love and RIP Spencer.