Hi everyone! This is not meant to be one of those annoying "I hate my life"- blog entries, but I'll just need to talk to someone. Otherwise.. I don't even know. I guess my head will just explode or something.
So thank you for listening. But I honestly just need to open up my heart a little bit. First, I guess I should explain myself a bit. My life is controlled by this fear of being judged by other people. I am not exactly afraid of other people, but I am afraid of their opinions. I know I can't please everyone but still I have this need to at least try. So there are things I for example, cant do in front of people I don't know well. Those include sneezing, coughing, crying, yelling, yawning, eating, drinking, fixing my make up, laughing with my mouth open.. All these things. It's a never-ending list actually. But sometimes it's just too much to handle. I can't meet my friends every day, I just need to have my own time. But when I sit in "school" every single day from 8 to 4 and train dance six days a week, there's hardly any spare time for me to just chill. All of my spare time I'll need to use for my "homework", or things that I need to get done for school. And that's why there is this one day that means a world to me. And that is Friday, the only day when I dont have to go to dance rehearsals. And I can just chill. But then, today.. I have this younger sister, who is probably the most selfish person I have ever met. She really is. SELFISH. And I honestly mean it when I say it. I used to think that when I'd move out, live would be so much happier. You can guess twice was that the deal.
And today, she needed a place for the night for her two friends and so they all came to MY HOME. And now, THE ONLY DAY, the only free evening: ruined. Completely. They'll giggle the whole night and I wont sleep at all. So.. Right now it feels like my head will explode or I'll just.. I don't know. What should I do? There are things I know can "help" me, or more like give me some relief from this pain inside my chest but those are things I don't want to do every again.
A) Cutting, B) binge eating and C) anorexic lifestyle.
Yeah, no one knew about my cutting problem. It actually got to the point I was planning a suicide, but I didn't tell anyone. I just said it was okay. They didn't know because I used to cut my stomach when I realised how easily someone could spot the scars in my hands and arms. But I have been without doing it for almost six months now. Except, I did cut once last week when I just felt that I wouldn't be able to do it and my world would just collapse if I kept going without doing anything. Then, the second thing I did was binge eating. It helped some but then I gained weight and in the end ended up with EDNOS, or "eating disorder not otherwise specified". No one knew about that either. There was this one friend who I kinda told about it, but she just said I was losing weight a bit weirdly, she never knew that it was something that controlled my life. It really was. Everything I saw in the mirror was a piece of worthless shit, and right now, as I am looking at the mirror, I feel like that. I want to cut everything I can touch. I want to eat as much as I possibly can and then throw it up and stop eating for a week. I want to starve myself. But deep down there is this small voice telling me that it's not real happiness. That real happiness can only be achieved by hard work and life. Not cutting, not eating, not starving. None of that. But why does it help??
Okay. This was shit about my life. I am sometimes happy with my life, as I have many friends and I really think life smiles sometimes. Right now it doesn't and I am afraid that I'll give in to the temptations of starvation or cutting.
Thanks for listening and NOT JUDGING ME
Xx NINAHX
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