Things are just going downhill so fast

My mom's mind is starting to go, I think. She babbles now, and when she breathes, you can hear rattling from the fluid build up in her lungs.

I'm at the point where I just want her suffering to end. If God intervenes and miraculously heals her, that'd be the best thing in the world. If not, then I would like for him to take her peacefully and painlessly. I do not want my mom to suffer anymore.

She was really agitated earlier. She kept trying to get out of bed, and she told my aunt she wanted to go, that she was allowed to go. They finally got her calmed down enough to take some Atavan, and now she's almost asleep, which is good. She's just been stimulated too much today.

All of this is killing me. I'm on autopilot now, just going through the motions, trying not to really think about everything because if I do, I'll break down and I will never stop crying. I'm tired, too. I'd like to just sleep forever. I'm also restless, though, if that's even possible. I don't want to sit around, I want to get up and do something to take my mind off of things.

I just wish I could hide forever, or just stop time so nothing can get worse. I just want everything to stop. It'd be even better if things would start looking up.

For anyone that's reading this and doesn't know what's going on, my mom has cancer, and she's losing the battle.

I don't know what I'm going to do if she passes away. I'm not sure how I'm going to be able to pick up the pieces or be normal again. I'm so scared; I'm scared of living without her. I want her to be there when I get married; I want her to help me pick out my wedding dress; I want her to be there when I have my first child; I want her to be there when I get my first house.

What do I do?
September 1st, 2013 at 06:55am