So, as of currently I'm finding myself slipping back into another depression...
Here's why, my summer pretty much sucked, (Besides the A7X concert I went to, that, saved my life this summer.) i've had to watch my siblings pretty much everyday. One is fourteen and practically a sociopath, a seven year old who is so spoiled rotten he makes me really wanna rip my hair out and the newest addition, a currently seven month old baby girl. I love my siblings but they make me not want to have children. My baby sister wants me more then her own mother because I spend almost every moment with her. Its not fair, I should be able to go out and do stuff but because my parents work almost everyday, I had no life. Plus the guy I pretty much am in love with made me believe he was flirting, only to tell me he still loves his ex and is trying to win her back. *Rips heart out, rips it to shredds and let's it drift off into the wind.*
I'm scared that this is gunna ruin a few of my friendships cause I couldnt hang out with them or see them, I couldn't bear that cause I have only a few close friends anyway. But I guess I'll just keep smiling like I'm okay. I can't control people, and it's not like I'm not used to being alone. （ ; ; ）
I held a razor to my wrists for the first time in months, I thought to myself, "Just one deep cut, and everything will be better for everyone. I won't be such a bother on people anymore." but then I realized I would throw away so much progress. I've worked hard to get back to semi normal. I am getting really depressed again and that scares me, but I don't wanna be put back on those awful pills, the ones that make you emotionless, empty almost. I never told anyone I took pills for depression cause it is embaressing... I don't wanna be this fucked up kid. But i'm heading that way anyways.
Drinking helps the pain, it really does...
I also have been trying to loose weight, I wanna look... Pretty. I wanna be a girl a guy looks at and says, "Wow, she looks good..." but I have big thighs, a fat belly and arms and it makes me wanna cry looking at what I've let myself slip too. It's disgusting and what's worse is i'm an artist so I'm already my own worst critic so I get really hard on myself. Then I say fuck it, I'm not worth it anyways... Yeah, I'm stupid.
I hate complaining but if i don't let it out somehow, I'll just break and end up cutting to deep, or pulling the cord around my neck too tight, or swallow a few too many pills. I'm sorry for bothering everyone with this rant, ignore it if you want, i'm sure there are better things to read. (｡-_-｡) sorry to be wasting your time.