Random rant...

So, I go back to school on Tuesday and I'm not really looking forward to it. I found out a really good friend of mine is switching schools, we got really close this past year and she always seemed to be able to make me smile and laugh. I hate that I won't be able to talk with her much, but I have to get over it.

Last night I went to a wedding and my parents were drunk, which wasn't a surprise. I was outside with my dad and one of his cousins (that I hardly ever talk to) and my dad went on a rant (he's a really honest and emotional drunk, mind you) about my ex-boyfriend, when we first started dating my dad really liked him, he thought he was a good guy because he helped my dad out a lot. During the summer, R (we'll call my ex R) went up north a lot and whenever he would go, he'd tell me we had to take a break, he would go away and then come back and then leave again, every time he'd come back we'd get back together.

My dad got sick of him doing this and I know it really bothers him and my mom, but I've never heard my dad talk about R and admit that he didn't like him anymore. I hate the fact that I let R take advantage if me and let him think that I'm just going to sit here and wait around for him.

I think the reason I let it happen was mainly because I'm scared that no one else would want me. I felt special with him and I've never had someone that treated me like they wanted to be around me, but he did. I don't have very high self esteem and I know I'm not good looking, but for once in my life I felt like someone actually loved me. I guess it just shows how stupid I can be, I let people in and end up getting hurt or looking stupid.

Some people think I live this amazing life and that I'm always in such a good mood, it's an act. The majority of the time I feel terrible and put on a smile to make my friends feel better. I'm the friend that my friends turn to and lean on and they trust me to listen to their problems, but none of them are ever there for me.

I don't really know what the point of this was, just a rant I guess...
September 2nd, 2013 at 04:31am