Control freak? Or content?

I've always wondered what makes people self-harm, what makes me self-harm, what makes certain people do certain things. It's something that I've just wondered about, for as long as I can remember.

From the first time I saw marks on someone's skin, instantly knowing that they weren't just a scratch from a pissed-off animal. From the first time I put a razor to my own skin, not really knowing what was making me do it.

And for the first time since I was thirteen, I have finally realised exactly why that razor finds its way to my skin every time. It's all about control. It's utterly, completely for the control. And it sounds so cliche, but it's true.

I cannot control anything in my life at the minute, and if I can then I would love to know how.

I can't control my money situation because other things have control of it; from paying off debts for my cunt of an ex, or paying Direct Debits for things I can't afford to go without. I rarely treat myself with the money that I earn because it can't be afforded. And in not being able to control my money, it means that I rarely get to control my work-style. I'm forever picking up shifts here and there, in order to earn that little bit of extra money ..to then have some of it taken away to pay the majority of unemployed out there, who genuinely cannot be bothered to get up and look for a job, who would rather spend the best part of their day on their ass, sleeping, getting drunk or stoned, etc.. And in not being able to control my work-style, it means I don't really get to control my personal/social life, because I don't have time for it. Every time I think I can make plans with someone, I can't because I have to work, or I've run out of money. I can guarantee that I could make plans with someone for a specific day and on the day before, I will get a call asking me to cover a shift somewhere, and because I'm in desperate need of all the money I can earn.. I of course, accept the cover.

Then all of this plays on in my head.

I can't go anywhere because I don't have the money to keep filling my tank up. I can't do anything because I have work in a few hours, that's normally the case. I can't do this and I'd be damned to hell if I could do that.

So what can I control? Nothing? No. There is one thing I can control.

One thing. That makes everything better. That makes me feel like I have control of everything for a little while.

Surprise, surprise.. I can control everything with a razor.

Why? How?

Those are the questions everyone asks, and the answer is simple.

With everything going on that I cannot control, the minute that everything takes over and makes me lose my mind, is the minute that I start to gain control for a few moments.

Because once that razor hits my skin, I can control the pain I'm about to endure. I can control how far I go, how deep I go. I can control time, because I can make everything stop going through my head for those few precious moments. I can control the voices in my head, make them disappear. I can control what I think about, because I can think about just the pain and only the pain.

In one way, I feel numb. But in another, I feel alive. The razor has the power to make me not feel numb anymore; to bring me away from that edge that I'd been nearing closer and closer to in the build-up to the grand finale. But then in another way, it has the power to bring me back to life; to wake me up from the vicious cycle of sleeping, working, sleeping, working, repeat.

It's something so difficult to explain face-to-face, but writing it down makes it that little bit easier. And unless you do it yourself, or ever have done it yourself.. you probably won't see how any of this makes sense at all.

I'm not doing it because I want to die because believe me, if I wanted to die, I would. Something's holding me back, telling me I need to carry on. The only way I believe I can carry on and maintain an inch of my sanity is by bringing back the control whenever I feel I can't go on without it.

Which begs the question, am I a control freak or am I just content with how my life is?