Odinism

(Disclaimer: This is leading up to how I become part of Odinism. I might not get to the point right away. I'm describing my life and how I turned to Odinism.)

I'll start from the beginning.

I was baptized as a Christian when I was a baby. I was raised in a Methodist home and nothing was wrong. My life was great.

But, when my parents got divorced when I was five years old, I was pretty broken up about it. Being only five at the time, I didn't understand. I was told that when you are married, you stay together not matter what, you'd love each other until the day you die. I was told that when you had God and Jesus Christ, that love will endure no matter what the obsticles are. I guess this wasn't the case. But like all kids that have divorced parents, you get over it, so that's what I did.

Once elementary school and middle school were over, I realized that they were a breeze compared to high school. I almost lost my virginity in ninth grade to a guy I supposedly loved, but didn't love me back at all, at least not as much as I "loved him." He used me for sex pretty much. I cut myself because I felt so ashamed of myself for that. I lost control of my grades and my life. I didn't have God to turn to because he never answered my prayers.

My mother found out about my awful grades, so she talked to my teachers and my guidance counsoler told her about the cuts on my hand. After that, my mom sent me to theray. It worked for a little bit, but it went down the toilet when I thought about that guy over the summer and I felt horrible that I wasted my mom's money. I felt like it was all my fault. I thought "I should've told my therapist about [guy who shall not be named] because maybe he would've helped me." I felt so stupid for fucking it all up. I started smoking cigarettes and I got drunk once and called my ex boyfriend and he told me to just drink a lot of water. Thats all I remember. I was told that I was "drunk as hell" and that I was crying.

The thing about religion is, you only believe when you're in a desperate need for help and thats what I needed, help! I wanted some guidance, but my prayers always went unanswered. I thought that maybe God didn't love me or that he has other people to worry about, that I didn't matter and neither did my petty problems.

I graduated high school and I started having anxiety attacks because a coworker's ex girlfriend told me that Mountain Dew can give you cancer. I drank Mountain Dew voltage like it was water! So I searched up stomach cancer on WebMD and saw that I had two or three of the six or so symptoms of stomach cancer.

It doesn't sound like much, but it was enough to scare me into having a full blown trembling panic attack. My hands started shaking and I was scared to death. I assumed I had a brain tumor because I lost complete control over what was happening. I was told to just get over it because I had a job interview the next day and I needed sleep. I couldn't sleep because I had the thought that if I went to sleep, I wouldn't wake up. I thought my arms and hands were still tingling because I had diabetes and that they would chop off my legs like my grandmother. I had any possible horrible thing you can imagine to someone stuck in my head all night. I was a wreck the next morning, but I went to the job interview and somehow managed not to make an ass of myself.

The anxiety attacks haven't stopped since then, but they have become less frequent. So I guess I'm getting over them. I guess I don't have cancer or heart disease or leukemia like I thought I did (at one point I thought I had leukemia because I bruise easily and I'm always tired). I became a hypochondriac. I had health anxiety. I didn't want to die! There are things I want to do in life that I didn't do yet. I want to expirience love, I want to go to London, I want I meet Corey Taylor and have a conversation with him about life. I regreted cutting myself in ninth grade. I felt badly that I wanted to die and that I tried to kill myself at one point. I felt badly for my boyfriend Mark because he had to put up with me and my tears and me being a fucked up person in the head. I felt like something was really wrong with me and that I couldn't control it.

To get to the point that the title suggests, I was really into mythology. When I was at my lowest moment, I remembered reading about Thor and how he was the god of thunder and how he had so much strength and that he was brave before going into battles. I wanted his strength, I wanted his bravery. So I took the old cliche "what would Jesus do" and turned it into "what would Thor do?" Its stupid I know, but it helped a lot. More than I can explain in words to a bunch of strangers.

I became stronger in the mind like All-father Odin and I became brave for what life threw at me. I was a weak person in the body and mind, now I'm stronger. Now I'm not afraid. I'm tougher and I'm happier. I actaully believe in something and it feels good. Odinism feels right. I feel strong like Thor, I became wise like Odin. I have something in my life that works. I've neer been happier in my life. I feel like Mark can put up with me, I'm surprised he's put up with me for six months now, but I digress. I love life and everything is so clear. I love the All-father and I will shout that to the world with pride.

But, of course I get the people who tell me I'm going to burn in the lowest circle of Hell for my "sins" of not worshipping the right God. But if they actually read the Bible, they would know that the last circle of Hell is said to be very cold, away from God's warmth, away from any light or comfort. But if I were to go to Hell, I would go to the first circle with the unbaptised babies and virtious pagaens. I would have deep philosophical conversations with Plato or Aristotle for eternity and I would actually be okay with that. But I know in my heart, that I will be in Valhalla, battling, and feasting with other warriors and have a great time because I know that its real. In my heart, I know what I believe in is right. I love the All-father and all of his sons and daughters. I love Odin's wife Frigga, I love the Frey and Freya, I love all the Gods because they give me strength and courage to battle on. I know in my heart that they'll watch over me and continue to give me strength and courage. I can walk outside and feel safe because I know someone is actually watching over me.

I've never believed in something so much and when people shut me down and tell me I'm wrong, it hurts me deeply. All my life I searched for an answer and when I finally found one, people shame me for it because its not what they believe in. Because its not normal. My dad would either shit a brick or would tell me that all of this was a phase. Its not a phase, its not wrong, and its what I truely believe in. If my mom knew, she would think I'm being ridiculous. It sounds ridiculous to most people, but some people actually know what I'm talking about and they understand. Thats what I need, a little understanding.