Arrogance vs. Confidence, Self-deprecation vs. Humility

I once had a wise ballet teacher tell my class,

"The difference between confidence and arrogance is how you treat other people."

She's right. Sometimes I think society confuses confidence with pride. Likewise, society confuses humility with self-deprecation. In reality, it's completely possible to be confident and humble at the same time, without being prideful.

Arrogance vs. Confidence

People who are arrogant want themselves to succeed and be better than everyone else. On the other hand, people who are confident want themselves and everyone around them to succeed.

Let's take two characters from one of my favorite childhood shows, Dragon Ball Z to illustrate.

Vegeta's defining characteristic is arrogance--and he flaunts it. All of his goals and actions stem from his desire to be better than everyone else. He frequently treats those less powerful than him as garbage. He even puts his own wants before his wife and son. He shows no mercy; he's ruthless. He's full of himself and fully selfish.

Goku, on the opposite side of the spectrum, is confident. He wants himself and his friends to succeed. He cheers them on, treats them well, and despite being the most powerful person in the world, doesn't put himself above others.

(In contrast to Vegeta, he's very merciful. He always provides opportunities for villains to stand down. He's quick to forgive.)

Goku believes in his talents and abilities, but he's also teachable. He acknowledges his shortcomings and overcomes them. He's eager to learn from those more powerful than him, and he submits to whatever needs to be done. Goku is confident and humble. (Not self-deprecating.)

So, confidence and arrogance depend on how you regard others. When you start dissecting this, it makes sense. Confidence comes from security. When we are secure of ourselves, we don't feel threatened by others' successes. Why would we? We're secure. (Remember, you don't have to be perfect to be secure.)

Arrogance, pride, conceit, ironically, doesn't actually come from being too confident, but from insecurity--a fear that if others succeed, we have less value. Pride and selfishness are also linked. When we don't want others to succeed, we're being selfish.

Self-deprecation vs. Humility

Sometimes the world tell us, or we tell ourselves, that in order to be humble, we have to belittle ourselves. But self-deprecation isn't humility.

Some people have such low self-esteems that they can't bear to be teachable. It's too excruciating to hear what their weaknesses are, let alone try to overcome them. They may submit to whatever needs to be done, but with a heavy heart and not always willingly.

Ron Weasley in The Order of the Phoenix (the book) is self-deprecating. He belittles himself again and again. Doesn't believe in himself. And not only is he unteachable, he sabotages his own success. If you have zero confidence, you can't progress, because you don't believe you can become better.

Self-deprecation can smother your motivation and individual worth. Don't mistake it for humility like most of the world does. As Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf stated, humility isn't thinking less of yourself, but less about yourself.

While pride puts the focus on yourself (see how it links to selfishness again?), humility put the focus on others.

When you put your focus on others, you recognize their needs, their good qualities, their challenges, and their strengths, and you realize the world doesn't revolve around you--and in fact, you have much to learn from everyone.

We've all been prideful or self-deprecating at one time or another, but let's foster both confidence and humility. Let's change the way the world defines these characteristics and show what it means to be confident and humble by the way we live our lives.

View the original post on my blog: http://kamimcarthur.blogspot.com/2013/09/arrogance-vs-confidence-self.html