I'm not clinically depressed, I have a pretty good life compared to others I've talked to, I'm going to college and will hopefully have a career. I was never abused, neglected. Have I ever self-harmed? That depends if you call digging into your gums with dental floss just to make yourself bleed and hurt because you feel better self-harming.
But I've thought about it, more than once even. I've thought about what it would be like to just...do something to get the hell away from everything and everyone. The only thing that kept me from doing it was thinking about those that I had to help and that I loved and I even thought about the plans I had for my future. Plans I was too stubborn to let go of.
My best friend Cadrian is 15 and she is like my little sister. I'd do anything to protect her. Both of us lost our dads at young ages--she at age 10 and me at age 11. The regrets that I have are unbearable some days; I just curl into a ball and bawl my eyes out until I can't anymore. The smallest things trigger a memory and I'm gone for hours, crying. The emotional pain from losing my dad has gotten worse over the years, not better like everyone likes to assume. And the same thing has happened with Cadrian, I believe.
About the beginning of last month was our county fair. Cadrian was showing horses and I'm her instructor so I stayed the night with her after the first day. We went up and talked at the top of the bleachers for about two hours. Both of us admitted something we'd never admitted to anyone else: we both had thought about killing ourselves.
Last year, Cadrian told me she was seriously considering it. More serious than I probably ever have. She texted one of the guys in her class and told him. And he saved her. He talked her out of it. Now, he's possibly moving this month and she's fallen again. We had a talk about it this weekend and I informed her to contact me as soon as she needs anything.
To hear her say these things, I almost brake down right then and there. She's only fifteen and I hate to hear that she suffers like that. Neither of us are in a good place with our mothers. Her's is extremely judgmental, always criticizing Cadrian and trying to make her the perfect Christian woman. I can't stand her mother most days because she's the same way towards me. My mom and I have a bipolar relationship, where we're really good for a while and then the next instant we're screaming at each other and make each other cry.
Cadrian and I are both seen as a positive spark in our friends' lives. I was always the happy, strange one in my class. Cadrian says people come up to her and tell her how she makes their day. No one knows how much we hate ourselves and just want to die sometimes. I've told Cadrian and three other people about my thoughts, people I can trust and that I know will not judge.
Its not like I'm constantly in a hole of depression. I'm really good some days, fantastic. And the next, I can barely stand because I just want to be gone from here. Between my grief for my father, the battle with my mother, and never-ending thought that I'm going to be a failure(my worst fear) builds at times and I just want to end it. I just want to make it all go away.
But I can't. And I won't. Because those dreams that I have, I want them to come true. Cadrian, Nikki, and Sara--I live for them. That's what keeps me going and from completely giving in.
Some people brush off suicide, saying that the person overreacted. No, that's not what it is. Obviously, these judgmental people don't know what its like to feel so low.
So, don't listen to them. Don't listen to the cruel words being thrown at you because someone does want you to survive this world. And if you can't think of anyone, think of me. I want you to survive. I don't know who you are, but I want you to do the things you want to achieve. You can do those things and you should live to do them.
-Aydios
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