Trigger Warning: The following post may contain talk of sensitive subjects and other subjects. If you feel you don't want to or can't bear to talk/read about the subject, please advise caution when reading. Thank you.
My name is Clara Stumph, I live in Ohio, and I am five years clean from cutting.
My first problem was not cutting, in fact my problems started before I even realized that I had any problems. As a kid I grew up in a big blue house with my parents and little sister, we had the whole fenced yard and two dogs along with the many other house pets we had during those years.
I call these years the happy years because everything was happy. It was when my Mother had no mental health illness, it was when I could be in the same room with my sister, and it was when my parents actually got along. We had everything we could have possibly wanted, I loved that house because Dad made sure we had a small garden, flowers, and a play set. We had this huge tree where I took care of baby robins till they grew up, I had my best dog there with me and we had neighbors that always joined together. I had a few good friends, we lived near a park and school.
Down side was that my Dad was gone a lot I mean from the time I was born until 2004/2005 I hardly knew the man existed unless I was up early to see him. Upside was that I had been the apple of my Mother's eye and was with my grandparents all the time )I was spoiled constantly...okay I still am today) but it was more important that I was actually cared about by mu Mum.
Then Mum had back surgery and soon we lost the house and had to move into an apartment. I had to give my dog away because the apartment people said no large dogs, and we couldn't afford keeping her (I cried and got my way just to have a dog) and then having to leave everyone behind hurt really bad. It was hard adjusting to sharing everything with my sister and money was really hard to deal with during this time period too.
I had to go into a new school, which made things hard on me and it made me reserve instead of out going like I had been before. I had poor clothes, and I had been in my chubby kid phase. I made friends easily in second grade where I met Kaitlyn who made the years in that school fun! I also met Marissa there too after Kaitlyn moved away and we lost contact.
I was called Fat in elementary school after second grade, I would throw my lunch away and only drink liquids. I started to refuse to eat at the dinner table, I would get sick after eating. Then I ended up getting myself sick after dinner every night and threw up at school, nearly passing out all because one person called me Fat. Teachers and my parents noticed, I had to sit in the class room with my teacher being forced to eat both home and school. Then I got raped which made everything ten times worse, and I can't explain how it hurts still today.
Eventually I got some help and the next school year I had no problems, only then though I was friendless then came Marissa. I got bullied a lot at that school.
When I was seven my Mum had a mental break down, her brain snapped somewhere and she no longer was the woman who used to brush my hair and hold me close. She was misdiagnosed with Multiple Personality Disorder, she had 20 people inside her mind. Along with being bullied as a child and having only one friend to count on, I also had to deal with my Mum who was hardly ever really her and also 20 other people in her mind. These personalities were scary a lot of the time I was stuck with the ones who tried to kill me, slapped, and hit me when something didn't go her way. I had to take care of my Mum and my sister, My Dad had no choice but to work. He was scared to leave me alone because of Mum being so unpredictable, and I don't know how I lived either.
I was truly scared for my life when I caught her trying to kill herself, seeing my Dad having to take the knife from her and seeing her staring at me with blank expression.
I had to hold her down when she started having seizures and sleep walking. I had to make sure I had my sister feed, bathed, and went to bed. Then I had to sleep on the floor in my parents room till Dad came home from work before I could go to my own room.
Dad lost his job and we no longer could live in the apartment. We then moved into a trailer park, and I had to once again go to a new school where Marissa had ended up going too. My Mum had no more mental problems suddenly. Life was okay when Dad got a new job, school sucked because everyone besides Marissa and a few older friends were there for me. I saw Dad a lot more with his new job and we became best friends since because of that job.
5th grade I found out I had scoliosis, which basically my spine was a backwards C instead of straight. I had to wear a brace for a year, which does not help being in middle school. Then I went to therapy instead to see if that worked after all the brace did nothing to help.
To my Mum I became the nonexistent child, she and I argued so much. I was kicked out once by her and lived with my friend for a week because I refused to come back home till Dad had to beg me to come home. After that she ignored me, acted like I was not there. She wouldn't introduce me, and when we went out to eat she would always say there was three people to be seated instead of four. She would not even look at me, the woman who gave birth to me hated me, I knew she did after she hardly noticed when I decided to cut.
I started to cut in the school's bathroom after lunch, and then I started at home with scissors. Some people ignored the fact that I did and then I hid it really wearing long sleeves and dark clothes, anything to hide my scars. I was pushed around a lot in middle school early years, I was pushed into lockers and hit the hallway floors a lot.
I finally had the guts to tell the staff about my problem...I showed the nurse who sent me to guidance and then sent to the principle. Who basically laughed in my face and said I looked like someone who would shoot the school...REALLY?! That was when I basically lost it. I did so much damage to my left arm and then started to pop pills, and then tried to hang myself three times before my Dad found out about my scars.
I went through church and a lot of support from my Dad, my friends, and being creative did help me through this. I was lucky to heal my scars (I used those scrubbers to clean out the skin and soap) the only reminder of my horrible life is one patchy brown line.
My Mum somewhat returned to normal only to suffer depression, anxiety and panic attacks after I had my back surgery. Which gave me a lot of confidence that I needed for what happened during high school years.
I made new and good friends, but I had also developed this scary friendship that turned wicked. We will call this person "Monster" because it fits the role perfectly, it always needed my attention and always possessed over me. It pushed me into lockers when I did not do something it wanted or said something it didn't want to hear. It got mad at me for hugging someone, then it started to drug me when I stayed over. I figured it out after the first time waking up the next day confused and got sick when I got home. I broke it off with it being fed up with the life it had me scared under. It stalked me for months before a friend told it off and it never had bothered me again. It ruined me though for a while, living in depression and nightmares of it coming to get me. Up to the point I woke up screaming.
Two years has passed since this and I can say I've been through a lot of hell. I don't let that get to me because I love my life, I love my parents and building a relationship with my Mum again. I love the friends I have around me, and I love that I'm alive even when I didn't want to for a long time. Life throws things at you that you won't always like and you can't easily escape out of, but you get through it somehow and move on to the next day. Each year that passes me by...I am always thankful for making it because back then I wouldn't have thought of being 18 and out of high school.
Don't take your life because you don't know how amazing the future is going to be.
Love,
Clara
xxx
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