I'm not sure how to describe what I'm feeling, sometimes I argue with myself that I enjoy inflicting pain upon myself, often I think I am a masochist but I'm happy with where I am. It's been a little over a month but I've never truly let myself smile and let go like I used to before I started dating this guy - he was never really in love me but I was madly in love with him. I fell pregnant with his son and have since given birth to Harrison Shawn (last name will not be revealed) and he's doing so well at five months now.
I'm proud to call myself a mother, some of you may argue I'm too young to be doing this, because I have given up everything, I gave up a job, an education, among other things just to stay home with my mother to raise him. That's not really where the problem lies but I feel it has some part in it, because I feel after giving birth and putting all my energy into raising him, giving him everything he wants, needs, and more, that I have tired myself out. I don't have nearly as many friends as I used to, but I still try and message them or call them everyday, or thereabout, but they never return the favour. Sometimes I try to arrange to them but they never get back to me so I'm stuck doing things by myself.
I haven't lost all my friends, for which I'm grateful, but the thing is she's beyond obsessed with boys, she's twenty-two and she's never really been in a genuine relationship and the amount of times I've had to listen to her rave on about this one guy she likes drives me nuts. I feel like talking to her lowers my intelligence but I haven't a backbone in my body to tell her to shut up. I try and get her to talk about anything other than him, but somehow something always reminds her of him and we're back to absolute rubbish.
Thing is, she's genuinely a very nice girl and apologises for everything even when she's not in the wrong. That puts me in a dilemma because if I mention I'm sick of hearing her rambling on I'll feel horrible for making her feel inadequate because that's how she will feel so I keep my yap shut and let her ramble. All I really want is someone I can relate to because I'm at a point where I'm thinking all I want is just friendship, I'm not going to actively seek a relationship anymore with anyone.
I don't want to just look at attractive guys passing on the street and think: "Wow, you have a nice body, just ravish me" but on the other hand I'm thinking I just want a guy to dominate me in the bedroom, something quick and meaningless, pull my hair and ride me three ways into the universe and to make me feel as worthless as I'm feeling. But all that's accomplished from that is me thinking: "You accept the love you think you deserve", and for some reason I feel totally fine with that.
That's where the title of the blog now comes in, I cried today, and not just silent tears but full-on tears. I'm not an emotional person, I shy away from hugs, kisses and any physical and emotional contact. To be honest, before I had sex I didn't even want that because it meant connecting with someone and the idea of that was preposterous to me. I wanted and have always wanted an intellectual connection with someone, I don't want to talk to someone about my feelings or my day-to-day dealings or kiss you or hold your hand or ask you how your day was when you get home.
But then, after thinking all that, I don't want anything, I don't want to talk to any significant other about anything, or even touch or feel anything for anybody because it's too much to ask of me. I really just want to leave this world unremembered, unthinkable by anyone. I don't want someone to give me everything and anything, or put me before them because I'd hate to put anyone in that position. I'd rather be independent - doing everything on my own and not have you put yourself second.
I was raised independent; I started doing everything by myself; I read books and did my homework and class work by myself. I never made many friends because of it when I was younger but I liked it that way, I didn't have to talk to anyone and they didn't distract me from anything that I wanted to do. I didn't care people thought I was a teacher's pet because I enjoyed talking to them more than my own peers, they never once judged me or told me I needed friends my age. My mother became a little concern and wanted to put me into counseling thinking something was wrong with me, I don't really know, I never bothered to ask because I never cared.
Strange thing about me, I can talk to adults and talk to kids but I cannot talk to people my own age, I try to beyond any measures now but I fail to understand what really is so fascinating about the opposite sex that makes them undesirable to us. I mean, I will admit to having a few crushes on men but I've always had to feign these "desires" but I simply do not have any. They all seem like such boys, and somehow I think that's an insult because I mean it to be.
I've never understood this about myself but I find myself thinking that if all my family passed away I would not let a tear fall, but I will deeply regret their passing. Does that make me terrible? Should I feel more sympathy if they were to pass from this world? I don't know anymore, but I'm OK with that. I'm OK with all that I am feeling no matter how depressed I am. I should only get help if I am not happy right, that's what they say?
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