I Don't Have The Capacity To Try Anymore

I have absolutely lost the capacity to try anymore, for anyone.

I'm so sick of literally trying my damndest to care for people, love them, be there for them, and talk to them only to have them ignore me, treat me like shit, take my feelings for granted, or all of the above.

I am not a bad person. I can be rude if the situation calls for it, absolutely. But right from the start I'm not rude. If anything I'm a pushover. I let people use me and walk all over me and I make excuses as to why they do what they do. But there really isn't any more excuses.

Everyone is just a shit human being.

I've tried my hardest to not feel that way because it's important to me that I retain some sort of out-of-reach perception of the world we live in. But it's becoming harder and harder to maintain good thoughts about a generation who is destroying my confidence and my feelings.

I sound like a whiny bitch, I am very aware. But I am so tired of being strong for other people only to try to reach out to them later for support and have them not give a shit. It's one of the most hurtful things in the world and I know people know what they're doing.

If I take my time to talk to you, love you, support you, or give you advice, the very least I expect is that courtesy returned to me. I'm not asking for you to go out of your way to do things for me, I just want someone to listen to me and let me have a shoulder to cry on.

When I love, I love unconditionally and it really keeps hurting me when I get ignored, shunned, or altogether excluded from something.

What the hell did I do?
That's literally just what I want to know.

What did I do to make everyone just want to exclude me. Or ignore me.

Or both.

I try so hard to be someone that people can confide in, trust, and like.

But then I just get walked all over.

I can't count on two hands how many friends, lately, have just ignored me and acted like I don't exist.

It hurts.

And like, I don't know if some of you just don't give a shit, but I can see where you've read my messages and just don't bother to reply. I can see that. At the very least, have the common courtesy to tell me you don't want to talk right now, you don't feel like talking, whatever.

Even if it's a white lie, is that not better than making someone feel like shit?

I always say that I'm just going to stop doing for other people because I never get anything in return but that's not even the point. I don't want to stop doing for others because how I treat someone isn't supposed to be determined by how somoene else treats me.

I've learned from someone very close to me that you get what you put out into the world.

I try my dadmndest to put out nice things, to put out support and care and love.

But I never get any of those things back.

I'm not appreciated.

If you're reading this and you feel guilty, I promise you that this is partly for you.

Don't treat me like shit and expect me to just act like things are okay when you need me to be there for you. It's unfair. It sucks. It hurts.

Every night I lay on my couch and just ache. My chest feels like it's caving in on me.

I can't tell you why, I can't tell you how.

But every night, I can feel a palpable lonliness.

And it shouldn't be that way. It just shouldn't.

I give up.
I'm done.
September 23rd, 2013 at 07:12am