Relasping Anorexic

Height: 5'2
Current Weight: 109 pounds
Lowest Weight/ED Weight: 86 pounds
Goal Weight: 100 pounds
Ultimate Goal Weight: 82-76 pounds

I'm now 109 pounds. I'm not underweight again yet. I want to be as sick as I was before. Does that make me terrible? I honestly want my eating disorder to be the death of me. Does that make me terrible?
I'm only allowed 500 calories a day. I have a vigorous exercise routine. The thing I hated the most about recovery is that I have to lose all this weight again. I'm been throught this already, but it's fine. Dropping weight makes me feel in charge and amazing. I can't weight to be 100 pounds though.