Bad days, just a blip on the radar, right?

I think this day had been coming for a while. I crashed today, I crashed hard. I spent way longer with my psychologist than I was supposed to but she wasn't prepared to let me go. Why? Because I was suicidal. Since I've getting the right help, I haven't been this low too often. But today when I woke up, I could just feel it, and when I'm that low, there is just absolutely nothing that can pull me out of it, I just have to come out of it in my own time.

I had a dream involving a school I went to last night. It was the school where I experienced the trauma that's left me with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and a phobia of schools. So the day didn't get off to a good start in the first place. Taking my own kid to school didn't help, it never does.

As soon as I actually got out of bed I started doubting myself, and running myself down, and really going hard on myself. My head was telling me that I'm a nobody, a let down, a failure... Then it attacked the only things I really have for myself. It told me I'm useless at performing, and I'm even worse at writing. It told me too look what happens when I step out of my comfort zone, no comments, no reads, that's what I get for being so shit. It told me to take down near enough all of the stories I was working on, so I did. It told me to turn the music channels off, so I did. It told me to tear my notebook up, and to forget about ever being happy.

Basically, I lost the real me, the girl I am not, came out, and that's never good.

When I got to my Psychology appointment at 1, I was beyond anxious, I was scratching at my skin uncontrolably, and I couldn't calm down. I'm supposed to have a 30-45 minute long appointment, yet it took me an hour to calm down enough to say hello to my psychologist. She got me talking about something different though, something positive. I can't remember what that something was, but it helped me calm down and got me laughing.

I just wanted to apologize now for the rant I had earlier, and for the things that some of you know about. I just don't have much confidence right now, and days like this are going to happen right? Hopefully it's just a blip and things will settle.

I certainly hope so.

Rae