Losing "me"

Little things are starting to get to me and I feel like I'm falling apart. Part of the time I'm okay and I'm happy and I can write all day long. Another part of me is crying and breaking down and hating everyone.

I have no clue what's wrong with me.

I had a stressful week, like I hadn't had in over 2 years. I'm afraid I'm turning my boyfriend off and that I'm annoying my mom with my drama. Though, they both haven't said anything negative, I feel like their just trying to be nice and not hurt my feelings. So, I've been avoiding spilling my guts to them. My one year anniversary with Mattie is November 16th and I'm afraid he'll break up with me over my behavior.

I never loved a guy so much, aside from my dad. Matt gets me, he makes me feel better, he makes me very happy and I'm glad I have him. He has a terrible past himself and I get how much living day to day with terrible shit on your mind sucks. Though, his is much worse, and he still wakes up with a smile on his face and sends me pictures of things that remind him of me whenever he's out. I love him so very much.

He's the only friend I have left and if I lose him, I don't know how I'll look at the opposite sex again. He's my first boyfriend after everything and I really can't see him not in my life; boyfriend or just a friend.

I don't know what's wrong with me anymore. I'm almost 21 and I still feel like that 17 year old girl who was ripped away from normality. My heart feels in pieces and my head won't shut up. I feel tired and anxious, and most the time, I believe if I just end it all everyone would be okay, but I know that isn't true. I don't know what to do anymore, I feel afraid to leave my house and at my job, I'm constantly looking over my shoulder, and I'm spending more and more time lost in my thoughts.

The only thing that makes sense anymore is writing, and even then there are a few people who just decided to tear me apart. Jesus, I know I'm not the best writer, but I like what I write and I like to write. Criticism is great, but tearing someone apart just because you don't like a rewrite is utterly hurtful and childish. You don't like what I fucking write, don't fucking read it!

I feel like the entire world is against me. I feel like I've wasted my entire life on a useless talent. I feel like I'm letting my parents down, especially my dad because he was the one who urged me to do what I love, and I love to write and I love him for encouraging my crazy imagination. Sometimes I wish my life was just this thing I made up, that I made up my ex and the terrible things he did to me, that I made up my dad passing away, and that I made up my friends betraying me, but if I was, I would hate to leave Mattie behind in this fake world. But, I often feel like he'd be better off without me because I'm just a mess.

Most of the time, I wish I was dreaming and I want to wake up, but I can't. I feel like I'm living a nightmare with moments of bliss in between.