This was something I posted in the confession thread before, but I now think its important for other people to know. You can think I'm a moron or whatever, but this has meaning for me....and it's my journal. xD
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I'm going to be honest.
When I was 14, I contemplated suicide. No..that's a lie. I actually tried suicide. Why? Because I was depressed and I was lonely. I didn't turn to look for relief in the blade of a knife. I'm way to scared of anything sharp coming in contact with my skin.
I tried to suffocate myself. With a pillow. Something so stupid, so weak..but something I could easily pick up and use to end it all.
And the stupid thing was, I actually tried to because I was lonely and people picked on me because I was different to them, I was emotional. And I didn't grow up in the same town as them. But I didn't do it because I couldn't bear the thought of what the people who loved me would go through.
It's now almost four years on. And I'm glad I never did it.
I am still lonely, and I can never fully trust people.
But I have gone through my "depression as a teen" stage.
I experienced what loneliness really was. And it's not thinking you are different or have no one to talk to. It is being truly alone. With no one at all. For me that was on exchange in a forgein country. Not being able to speak the language or communicate properly with all your friends and family on the other side of the world and such little communciation, with the occasional phone call or email- but sometimes it felt like they never exsisted. It was so god damn hard. I cried myself to sleep so many lonely nights and no one around me could relate to me.
And I look back at what I've learnt and experienced and think "Wtf? I wanted to end my life?" I was forced to grow up overseas and forced to be independant without my parents.
Life is no where near finished with me, and fuck I have so much to learn. I'm still as oblivious as many others.
But I don't want to see people give up.
Many people here are so lost and so depressed. But don't give up.
You are still so safe in your sheltered worlds. And I know you think I'm stupid by saying that your life is sheltered, but for many of you- it is. It's safety, parents, home, friends, school life. It is actually a lot easier than you think it is.
Just don't give up. Not now. Not ever.
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