I had a few cousins whom I was close to, but it wasn't the same. They were all siblings and that's a bond I could never begin to understand. As much as they cared I was out of the loop and always would be. What is it like to have a sibling? To share the same parents, the same house? To fight over stupid things? I never could imagine. I never had to share my things. My room was my own. I could be selfish.
My mom didn't help. She was extremely over protective. If, by some lucky chance, was invited to a another kids birthday party or sleepover she wouldn't let me go. She trusted no one. As a result I think that's why I have trust issues and hate parties. I never learned how to behave at one.
As I got older I still couldn't make friends and now, here I am, a friendless twenty-something. It's really embarrassing. Everyone I know has at least one person, be it a sibling, a parent, a friend, they are close with, but I have no one. I'm not exaggerating either.
I spend my days lost in my own head. I don't know how to make connections with anyone. I feel like I'm just not cool enough, with people my own age, or smart enough to be in anyone's live. I'm not sure if it makes any sense. I'm socially awkward, so just making small talk with people is a hard task. I feel like I have to force myself to talk, then I stammer my words when I'm nervous, and generally sound dumb. I'm just really boring and dull and I know that people see that when they try to talk to me. It takes a long time for me to open up to anyone and most people these days aren't patient. So I avoid talking to anyone. My lack of self confidence is a burden and it weighs me down.
I don't even know how to make friends and who makes friends at this point in their lives when they've never really had one to begin with? I mean, who doesn't have any friends at my age? When I hear about people hanging out with their friends, or calling them up when they had a problem that needs to be sorted out, or just a shoulder to cry on, I wonder what that even feels like. If I have a problem I keep it to myself. No one gives a shit about it, anyway. Going out isn't my thing anyway, I'm a homebody. All of it is so foreign to me.
And also the whole relationship thing. I've never even been in a real relationship. I just don't think any guys find me interesting or attractive enough to even consider going out with me. And my pesky shyness and quietness, which have gotten worse over the years, are big turn offs from my understanding. I want someone to spend my time with, just like anyone else, I'm human, even if I don't feel like that most days. Someone to hold my hand, and hold me while I sleep. I want someone who actually wants to spend time with me.
I thought about going out an having a one night stand just to have some kind of physical contact with someone anyone. But I talk myself out of that. I don't think anyone finds me desirable, and even if they did I hate my body and don't think I would feel comfortable being intimate with right now, even though that's what I'm craving. God, it would be great to just be hugged by someone. I can't remember the last time I was hugged, and that's sad.
This totally describes me.
And this quote from a song called "Left Alone" by Fiona Apple.
It goes: "How can I ask anyone to love me, When all I do is beg to be left alone."
^Yup that's me.
I'm so frustrated. I'm so utterly alone. And I can't stop feeling bad about it all. I feel so stupid. So low. I think I've gotten to the point where I don't even think I deserve anything good. Like the loneliness is how things are meant to be, I haven't earned anyone's time. Ugh. This was probably a big jumbled mess, and my point might not have gotten across.
Alright. I'm going go back to crying, Yet again.