Confessions of A Liar

I'm a very young girl, with so much going on. Yet, I find myself shaking as I talk about my beliefs and why, even though I am a LaVeyan Satanist, I wear a Rosary. I turned my back on God and became my own God, but still I am obsessed with Mary and learning about religion. My Rosary is one of my anxiety of my anxiety tools, and it comforts me the same way the 4x4 of Our Lady Of Sorrows in my wallet helps me. I get blamed of being stupid- I fear that one day I will be harmed in this beautiful state of Alabama, only because they want to deny me my freedom of religion. I am a hypocrite, and it shames me but there is nothing I can do. I love Mary, but I also want to be free to my own opinions and beliefs. I was such a devout christian, and now nothing can stop me from the blasphemy that pours of my tongue like a white-hot fire. I could quote Psalms until your ears bleed- yet I refuse to let the Anointing of the Sick be told to me as part of my will. Is it so bad that I was tied with love to the face of God and now I shun him?
I have moved 500 miles, gained a sister, resumed a relationship my older brother, adjusted to my parents' divorce and my father's remarriage (to an absolutley wonderful woman). I have dealt with 12 years of bullying, and I have no such thing as a self esteem. My wrists and thighs are scarred, yet I show them with pride.
Is it right to frown upon myself for every small mistake that I make?
Is it normal to barely talk in school but stay on the internet whenever I can because I feel more accepted?
Is it normal to be terrified to go back to therapy because I might be put on medication?
Is it normal to wish for a God to be there to bring back my Aunt and my happiness so I don't have to deal with the turmoil in my heart?
Is it ok to have a panic attack when my dad doesn't answer his phone?
Is it shameful to ask you, whom I do not know to answer my cries? Wait- I already know this one. Yes, Delaney, it is.
I'm sorry. Please forgive me. I have to get this off my chest.