About five days ago I decided to stop talking to alllllll of my friends. Because I was tired of always trying to talk to them and practically forcing them to hang out (do I sound desperate yet?) when they never put in the effort.
And the other day I guess something “big” (it wasn’t) happened with my “best friend” and her cousin and automatically BAM I was alive to her again. I’m the type of person that, even if you’re a complete and utter asshole to me, I’m going to be there for you. And I was per say, but then she was like, “I need to come over, I’m coming over.” and—I hope to god she doesn’t ever read this because she knows about this tumblr fuck—I just did not want her to come over. I was tired of always being the person to be there for everyone but not have someone being there for me. I didn’t want to hear about her problems. I wanted her to finally take a breath and be like, “So, enough about me, how are you, Rose?” but of course that never happens. None of my friends do and I just didn’t want to be a crutch for everyone and not get offered one for myself. God knows I need one now.
And today Le Boy came over. And we were just hanging out and he was watching over me before he had to go to work since I had a fever and he was scared it might have been a side effect from the chemo (my one friend/thing that actually cares, wow). And I was laying on the couch and he was sitting on the floor by my head and out of nowhere he goes, “How many kids are we gonna have?”
And you know, I thought he was messing around so I laugh and I don’t say anything. And he goes, “I want three, or maybe four. All named Jamie.”
And I go, “Do you think your future wife will let that happen?” and he goes, “I don’t know, will you?”
WHOA WHOA WHOOOAAAA what??? I mean, technically we did/do have a thing (hence why i call him my “thing”) but whhhaaattt? We’re not together yo.
And I go, “Um, never getting married. Like ever. And I’m not having kids. I already technically had two. That’s enough for me. You know that.”
He goes, “With other people no, they don’t get you. But with me? Yeah, eventually.”
And I got mad! Because not only was he delusional but the way he said it just pissed me off, like he was so sure about it.
And so, “Want to know why that’s not going to happen? Because you keep playing with me. Because one day you’re an asshole, and the next you’re perfect. Because you went on a fucking date with some air head with big boobs and probably fucked her.”
And he got mad. And I was mad, not to mention sick, and we fought. And now I feel like a bad person. Because I shouldn’t have felt that way with my friends, and I shouldn’t have said those things to Jamie.
My best friend needed me and I should have opened my doors to her, not made excuses as to why she couldn’t come over.
I shouldn’t have gotten mad at Jamie and said those things because 1) he’s the only person from my friend circle who ever comes to see me whenever and during chemo, who occasionally takes me to said chemo, that still likes my hair despite it falling off, who’s actually there for me and genuinely cares. Not to mention he cares far more than my mom. She doesn’t give two shits 2) we’re not together and he should be able to date whoever he wants and have me supporting him.
Which I didn’t do when he told me he had a date. I told him if he was going to go on a date with someone, to at least do it with someone who had brains and wasn’t a plastic surgery junkie.
I’d like to point out that I wasn’t lying when I said that…and the chick is also a total bitch. And yes, I was a bit jealous, but I had no reason to be when I was the one who’d turn him down, even before I got sick. Or went into the mental rehab. But that’s another story.
But now I’m alone again. And I feel guilty but I’m not one to outright apologize, even though I feel like I was wrong. At least with Le Boy. I’m not too sure about my friends….sigh.
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In other news, hi, hello, how are you guys!? I haven't been on in a while. I'm trying to come back on because I miss writing...and I miss the community.
So, tell me who you are, what you write, and how your day was!
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