Emotional Breakdown Imminent [long and with some minor explicit language]

I dunno what I'm doing. I never post blogs like this, but right now... I'm so upset and I just don't know who to turn to.

Don't get me wrong; I have a family and friends who would listen and be here in a heartbeat, but right now I just need to vent or something and I need to do so without judgement. Not that they'd judge, but I just need to get this out to people who don't know my life and don't have prior opinions on the situation.

The situation involves me and my boyfriend. We've been a couple since July 24th, 2011. And he's the one... the be all and end all of my dating life. I know he's the guy I'm going to marry, have kids with and grow old with. There's no doubt, I've known this for a while... and normally, this makes me happy but lately... things just suck.

What's worse is that it's both our faults and we're trying hard to work on it, but it's a damn up hill battle and I'm so tired. I'm sick of getting wound up so far that I lose my shit and yell, then break down in tears.

The problem is that we used to live together up until November last year. During that time, things weren't perfect (no relationship ever is) but it was pretty good. We had our ups and downs, but everything was pretty hunky dory like 80% of the time.

But then some shit went down with the house (we were living with my parents, but kind of separately, downstairs) and we were forced to move apart. He went back to his parents house and I moved with my parents.

There's plans to move out together, as his parents are selling their house and moving to Sydney (which is 2 hours from where we live), so he'll be forced to get his own place, which is good because he's gotten way too comfortable living with his dad. He doesn't have to do much, they kind of wait on him hand and foot. But yeah, eventually he's going to have to get his own place and I'll move out with him.

He works a full time job, a lot of the time it's 6 days a week and he has a second job that takes up a lot of his time too. He also has a typical obsession with his Xbox. GTA V... need I say anymore?

Me, I don't/can't work. I went and herniated two discs last year in November (literally two days before we had to move house and before I'd packed all my shit... just because I have that kind of luck) which is pretty common, usually they'll just slide back in place with rest and what not... but since it was the second time I'd had it happen, I'm not so lucky. Pretty much, the discs (L4 & L5, if you know much about the spine) will never go back in place. It's complicated, but it's my understanding that too much scar tissue has built up and it's impossible for them to pop back in place. And since they can't go back into place, they cause me a lot of pain and trouble (they're basically disintegrating and fracturing in place) and I'm on doctors restrictions which mean I can't lift, bend, twist and stand or sit without support for more than like 10minutes. It sucks, but this is what I'm dealing with. Surgery will eventually be the fix, but at this stage, they're not willing to go in there to remove them and fuse my spine because I'm young and fusion brings with it all it's own problems.

Because of my injury, I'm home 24/7. I mean, I go out and try my best to live a normal life, but yeah, it's not easy. My friends keep my busy and my parents keep me company, but yeah, I don't have work or study to keep me occupied... I basically sit on my ass and watch Foxtel (satellite TV) and occasionally mess around on the computer. Not exactly a fulfilling life, but this is what I've got atm.

Now, obviously, we have conflicting lifestyles at the moment. He's busy, working two jobs and I'm at home, working no jobs and being bored most of the time. So, I know I have unrealistic expectations at times when it comes to wanting him around all the time... because he can't. He's busy, he needs his "me" time and he has friends, too. So I'm trying hard to remember that and not be too demanding of him.

But the problem is, seeing him for like a collective of maybe of 3 hours a week is taking it's toll on our relationship and on my feelings/nerves. I'm doing my best to be understanding, I really am... but I can't help the fact that I miss him and I want to see him more.

His job sucks. He earns good money, but he does shitty hours. Like, one day he might have to do say 8am - 5pm... but then the next, he'll have to do 1pm - 10pm. Or vice versa. So it's not like he does strictly night shifts or strictly day shifts, so it's really hard to schedule time together on days that he works. And sometimes he'll finish at his full time job at 5pm, but then will have to go do his part time job afterwards... so he won't get home til maybe 12-1am.

His days off... well, he had the weekend off this week (he gets every second weekend off work) and yesterday he spent it doing whatever (I think he slept for most of it, having stayed up late playing GTA on Friday night) then came over to my house at like 11:30pm. He stayed the night, which was nice, because it honestly doesn't happen all that often. Then we woke up today and I asked what he'd like to do and he tells me his friends invited us to a BBQ and he wanted to go. To be honest, I was disappointed... I really wanted "us" time, alone. But, I was trying hard to be fair and understanding... realising he doesn't have a lot of free time to spend with his friends, so I agreed and we went to the BBQ. It was fine, I like his friends... and we weren't there all that long.

Afterwards, they were heading to one of the friends houses to hang out and I didn't really wanna go, coz I wanted to spend the afternoon with him and we'd already done the friend thing... y'know? But we were put kind of on the spot, coz they asked us and he looked at me and I didn't want to look like a controlling bitch or like I was a snob, so I couldn't really go "Nah, I've had enough of you guys, I just wanna spend the afternoon with him." and so I was like "Oh, well we've gotta go back to his house first, but we might come by afterwards..."

Anyways, that was fine. We left the park, headed to his house... and he got called into his part time job. I was upset, disappointed.... annoyed. Yep. He could've said no, he's busy... but he needs the money and can't really afford to say no when they call him.

So whilst I understand, I can't help but be disappointed... and he gets mad, coz I'm upset which makes him feel bad... but it's like... is it not valid that I be disappointed? I'm not trying to make him feel bad, I'm just upset that the time that was supposed to be mine... is now gone. And I get that it's like a knee jerk reaction for him... he's a guy that doesn't deal with his feelings all that well. He feels bad, but instead of just saying "I'm sorry, babe, I feel bad. I wish I could be with you." he gets mad that he's feeling bad. Which then pisses me off and boom... off goes the dynamite.

It didn't end in a fight at that point, it just got tense. I'm shit at shaking off or hiding feelings, really. And I have a short temper... I inherited my mum and my dad's temper... so yeah, I'm doubly screwed.

So, he's taking me home and he has stop at his friend's house (he left his wallet in our car) and I chose to stay in the car, because we weren't visiting, he was dropping the wallet off and I had a big headache and I just wanted to wait in the car. He was annoyed at me for this, but went inside anyways. I waited. And waited... and waited. He took 20 minutes... I sat in the car, with a thumping headache in the ridiculously hot sun just seething because he was taking his damn time. Like, really? 20 minutes to return a wallet?

He finally comes back out and I'm pissed. Like, really pissed. He gets in the car and acts like nothing happened... he ignores my snappy responses to his random questions on the way home. So my anger was actually simmering down, because he was ignoring it... but then when we got to my house, I admit it. I lost it.

I said "You're not even gonna apologise?"
he said "for what?"
I said "for leaving me sitting in the car, in the hot sun for 20 minutes."
he said "it was only 20minutes... and I asked you to come in, but you wouldn't."
I said "You weren't visiting! You were dropping off a wallet and supposed to be coming back out to take me home."
he said "I was talking to my mates and like I said, you chose to stay out here."

I pretty much lost it at that point, yelled at him and said he clearly has no respect for me and just doesn't give a shit. He got mad and yelled back at me that I'm wrong and full of it... blah blah blah. I walked away and he left. I came in my room and broke down into sobs.

Now, I feel that the fight was a bit more fueled by my being disappointed I lost my one on one time with him. Of course I didn't realise it at the time, but while I've been writing the whole thing out... I'm realising that it was a fight that was over nothing, but was expressing feelings about the thing we weren't talking about.

Having said this, he does have a personality fault that drives me MENTAL. He rarely, if ever... apologises. So many of our little fights would be avoided, if he could just say "I'm sorry." But he's the kind of guy that rarely ever owns blame for stuff. It drives me crazy... because even if you lay it out for him and prove that something is in fact his fault, he still won't just own it and say "I'm sorry."

Like in all honesty, had he have gotten in the car and said "Sorry I took so long, I lost track of time talking to the guys..." I wouldn't have necessarily have lost my shit with him. But he never does that.... and I can't seem to get it through his head that you can't go through life never assuming blame for anything that happens. I don't expect him to always take the blame... I know I'm wrong a lot of the time and I fly off the handle too much... but damn, I acknowledge that I am trying to work on it.

I just wish he could learn that he can diffuse me on so many occasions by just saying "I'm sorry, this is what happened..." Not "I'm sorry, but it's not my fault. It's because so and so did this." That seriously pisses me the fuck off. That's not an apology... that's like "I'm sorry for you that you're mad, but hey, it's not my fault nor my problem." Argh!

I don't know how to get that through to him. We have our heart to hearts, where we tell each other what we need and what's not working... and we listen... but I'm having a hard time getting that little thing through to him. Any ideas out there?

I feel better. Writing all this out was kind of therapeutic, because I was able to really stop and think about our situation as a whole. I do know I need to try and keep myself occupied and not put too much pressure on him... he is very busy and he can only be stretched so far. But I do wish I could get some more of his time... I wish I could make him understand that sometimes I need to come before work, his xbox and his friends.... Not all the time, I'm not an overly needy person... but sometimes would be nice.

Honestly I hope that being able to live together again will sort a lot of our problems out... I mean, I'm guaranteed to see him every day then. And I'll have a house to take care of, that will help keep me occupied. Maybe I'm naive... and maybe I'm stupid to hope it'll fix all our problems.. but I don't want to give up on him. I do love him to pieces and I know he loves me.

Life's just hard at the moment.

Thanks for reading.... to anyone who managed to make it all the way through this ridiculously long blog. Hahaha. I was emotional and needed to get it out... it really helped put things into perspective.