What I Wrote

Beware. Take Caution. This comes from inside the mind of a girl in the middle of a breakdown.

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Fuck this world.... I don't give a fuck anymore. I wanna be out of here. I wanna have Storm again. I don't even know or care what is going on in school. I'm tuning everyone and everything out. I don't care to do any work. I haven't even looked at the board yet. And I don't plan on it. This shit is stupid.

People think I care. But I don't give a fuck. I don't even want to think right now. I don't care what people think anymore. Darren was saying shit and I don't even care. It doesn't hurt. I just want people to shut the fuck up. I went from semi-wanting to care to what the fuck ever. I have no motive to do anything...

I don't care about my grades, my family, my friends, church. I'm not even upset or anything. I'm over it. I just literally do not give a fuck. I just wanna go home, lay down, be anywhere but here. I have a lock-in this Saturday and I don't even care. I have officially reached the point of not caring about anything. I don't want to deal with anyone's shit. I'm tired of being people's doormat. I don't wanna deal with anything.

I refuse to acknowledge anything going on in my world. I've gone numb. Not like when Vince broke up with me. Or when Storm rejected me and told me I deserved better. No, this kind of numb is more like me choosing to not feel anything. Before, I couldn't control the numbness. Now I have created it. I don't WANT to feel anything.

Poor Randy, I am basically blowing him off.... And I don't want to. I have rid myself of every emotion I have. Unfortunately, that means that although I have gotten rid of hatred, anger, and sadness; I have also rid myself of love. I know I am hurting him but I can't help it. This is the only way.

I don't plan to do any work today. I'm perfectly okay with just writing. After all, NaNoWriMo is coming up. I have moved school from like #1 to not caring at all. I am just going to focus on breathing. Even though I don't care.

I don't want to hurt Randy but by making them happy, I have been hurting myself. But whatever. He says that he feels like I'm shutting him out. And I'm sorry for that but I can't help it. I have no motivation to do anything. I just don't know anything anymore. I try to keep myself busy because anytime I am idle, I start thinking and writing like this.

I was so damn excited about NaNoWriMo. And now, I don't even know if I am going to do it. I am just not really excited about it anymore. I don't know if I'm going to do it. I have no story ideas so it is basically worthless. So.... whatever. I will see....

People keep saying shit and I'm like shut the fuck up. I'm going to stand up for myself. Imma end up punching someone ugh. Ohmygod, I don't even know what I'm thinking....I wanna be there for my friends, my boyfriend, my family but it will break me. Literally.

I don't care about school. And I know people say I have potential but I don't. School and grades are based off of memorization and doing what they shove at you. I would never survive in the real world. My god, I can't survive one day at school without her.

I wish I wasn't so fucked up. Then I could make Randy happy, or laugh with Mahogany. I could do good in school, or care about church. I could help with my family or give a fuck about life. But no, I'm me. The one who cries at the drop of a hat. Or gets mad with one word. Or falls in love for all the wrong reasons. He wants attention, love, emotion. All things I cannot give him. I wanna make this relationship work more than anything. But I'm not in it. I don't want emotions. From him yes. From me, no. I wanna be numb.

Yesterday, he was mad that I spent my hour on his laptop. I swear, I love him. But I've hit that point, that fucking breaking point. And I don't feel anything. I wanna be alone. No one around. Nothing to do. Just me and my mind. But I know how that would end. I would just go even more crazy than I already am.

I have a song ( or several) stuck in my head. The song that sticks is "Live Like You're Dying". I think Tim McGraw wrote it. But it is supposed to mean, live life to its fullest. But no, I keep thinking about how every moment that we are living we are one moment closer to dying. Death is the only thing we live for. Friends, boyfriends, family, toys, food, houses, electronics, money, all of it is material items. Nothing is certain in life except for death. Nothing is certain, absolute, set in stone except Death. We literally live to die.

The Outsiders said to "stay gold". But in my world, there is no gold. Everything is black and white. I;m just a damn shell with nothing inside.

(Not finished)