Life Since School Started

I've been forcing myself to be happy, basically. I may be the most selfish person in the world, but how hard can it be to pretend to like me? If I don't know that you really hate me, I'm okay, but I know that everyone hates me.

Well, that's a little overdramatic of me. Not everyone hates me. But no one cares for me. It doesn't matter where I am. At school, I'm not anyone worthwhile or special, I'm truly looked at as if I'm a total freak. I have different likes that all my "friends" and I feel left out because I don't want to change who I am to fit in with them better. I don't feel like that's fair.

At home, I never get a break. I get a whole hour to relax and do what I want. That's it. I get up at 4am and don't get home until 6pm, eat, shower and go to sleep at ten. That's my routine. I know my sister's got it pretty bad too, but she sleeps at least. I don't. I feel like my own mother is using me for everything I've got, and she couldn't make it any more obvious that she likes my little sister better than me. Although I don't blame her for thinking that, she doesn't have to be so damn blunt.

Even online, I'm nothing. I'm not that different. I truly never thought I was. But no one, literally no one appriciates what I do. I mean, on Mibba, everyone can relate to each other musically because you all like MCR and Green Day and whatnot. On MySpace and Stickam, everyone is all scene and pretty and shits glitter and whatnot. I don't. I'm just Amanda, I guess.

I like being alone. People think I'm lying when I say I don't want to go to the movies or the mall or whatever, but it's true. I'd rather sit at home and do nothing than be with a bunch of fake people who live their lives in Hot Topic and watching dumb comedies.

The two people in the world that I love the most don't even love me. The only two people I've ever wanted approval from. The only two people who I would give up my life for. They just lie to me and tell me what I want to hear. That would be peachy keeny if I never found out they lied. But they both make it easy. Or maybe I'm that good at catching people in a lie.

Am I a disgrace? Really, I want to know, if you were my sister, if you were my girlfriend, if you were my mother, if you were my friend, would you be embarassed by me? Am I that bad of a person? I know I'm not a saint or anything, but I always thought I was fairly cool.

Ugh, maybe I rant too much?