I Was A Dreamer Before You Went And Let Me Down

You know something? If I admire anything about Taylor Swift, it’s her resilience when it comes to relationships.

She can get her heart broken over and over and be let down by every other guy on her quest to find Mr. Right, and just gets right back up again and goes back into dating, keeps going on her quest. I honest to God have no idea how she does it. I really don’t, because I’ve only had one long-term relationship and various short-term flings with various idiots, and I’ve gotten to the point where I cannot physically allow myself to even have a crush on anyone. It’s so ridiculous that I can’t even admit it to myself. Something as minor as a stupid crush, and I can’t even admit it to myself, because I’m that petrified of getting hurt. Because everything can lead to me getting hurt, now. Admitting it to myself makes it real, when it’s real, it hurts. And I genuinely don’t know how anyone can do it, I don’t know how people can have crushes, like anyone, fall in love, get married, whatever. I get crippling anxiety, constant recurring dreams and general misery whenever this happens. And then if a crush turns into like, I don’t sleep, because I’m so scared, and then it turns into love and then it ends and I’m reminded why I was scared to begin with. What’s even more ridiculous, is that I don’t let myself have crushes at all. I genuinely don’t, I haven’t really had one since my last relationship, because my various flings were exactly that - no emotions, no strings attached whatsoever, and I was the one who ended them. I don't know how Taylor does it, to be honest. All I want is to find Mr. Right, just like her, because hey, no one wants to be alone. But I'm pretty sure I'm going to be alone forever, because I can't bear to go through it all again. One single guy had the power to completely ruin me (thanks, man, you’re a fucking hero) and she just keeps getting back up. Say what you want about her, but at least she doesn’t just sit there and never date again. At least she tries and keeps hope. I'm a dreamer, always full of hope, and I am by no means a pessimist. But I honestly believe that if my heart breaks again, I won't make it through. And because of that, I've started to think that maybe relationships aren't worth it at all.