I don't know if it's going to be okay again. (Possible trigger warning)

I can feel it happening again.

The depression.

I feel it, starting like it did before. Swallowing me whole.

I don't want it. I don't deserve it. There are so many people who have it so much worse than I do. But here I am, the selfish bitch that I am, crying all of the time, and feeling that craving that itch to destroy myself all over again.

It's not fair. I was doing so well. I was so proud of myself.

I am in a wonderful relationship with a guy who makes me feel like I could fly. He is single handedly the most irritating, frustrating, and absolutely perfect whom I have ever met; and I can't understand for a moment what it is that he sees in me. The way that I describe him probably makes you think that I am bullshitting you, because it all sounds so superficial and layered. But the truth is that I don't know any other way to put into words the way that he makes me feel.

I have thought that I was in love before. In fact I may even have been. But it was nothing in comparison to the way that this boy makes me feel. And that terrifies me in both the worst and best possible ways.

That has nothing to do with the problem; in fact it is the very reason that I think this problem should be something which does not exist. Because he makes me happy. But the second I am not in his presence, can no longer feel his warmth beside me, it all disappears.

I stare at the unmarred portions of my skin and think of the horrific things which I could carve there. I think of all of the words that I deserve to be branded with forever. Pathetic. Fat. Ugly. Desperate. Lonely. Worthless.

I can hear every word that was ever said to me. Every negative thing, rings in my ears when the silence consumes me.

I deserve it all though don't I?

My mom and her boyfriend broke up.

They were together for eight years. Eight fucking years. That's almost half of my life.

And I love him so much.

He has always been wonderful to me.

But I will never see him again now. He won't tell me that he thinks of me as his own child ever again. He won't humiliate me in front of my friends, because he can. He won't try to scare off boys to protect me. He won't give me foot massages when I have migraines, or teddy bears on valentines day. He won't tell me he loves me before bed each night. He won't lecture me, or give me advice that he knows I won't take. We won't have wildly inappropriate dinner conversations that make my mom giggle like a school girl. He won't come over and take care of us when we are sick. He won't be there when I graduate high school, or at my wedding. I don't know when I will see him, if I ever do.

But I love him. I've spent more time with him in the last eight years of my life than with my own father. And I've loved nearly every minute of it.

When I was younger I had a hard time with my mom seeing someone else. With her dedicating her time to someone else. Now I wish I could take it all back, just to see her happy again.

I used to say that I missed when it was just her and I against the world. But I haven't said that in seven years. Because I realized that he made her happy, and me too. I just want that back for my mom. She deserves the world. She's done so much for me, she's been my best friend from day one. And I hate the thought of her being so sad.

I can't let her see me being sad. It's not fair to her. Not when she's lost so much more than I have. Her best friend. Her partner in crime.

I just know it's going to be harder than before.

I just don't know if it's going to be okay again.