Memories, memories, memories.

I remember it like it was yesterday. And it feels like it too.

I remember on the very early morning of November 19th, around 1 am, my mom and I had a small argument about whether or not I would be going home with my siblings to get sleep and go to school the next day. I would not.

I remember waking up early on November 19th to get ready to leave to go to the other side of town. I did not.

I remember, after begging, my uncle and I finally drove down there, my mom having to go to work. I was nervous.

I remember going into my cousin’s kitchen, sitting down, and eating. I was quiet.

I remember one of my aunts pulling out the drinks and me teasing about how I needed one too. I was surprised when my dad said yes, telling me not to tell my mom.

I remember him saying I wouldn’t do it. But I chugged it down like a pro. He was surprised that I did, maybe even impressed. But he didn’t know that wasn’t my first drink.

I remember walking to my Gammy’s room, staying there for a while, walking to another room, staying there for a while, and continuing the process. I was restless.

I remember a doctor, or maybe it was a nurse, coming and telling everyone it wouldn’t be long now. My heart sank.

I remember texting my best friend, wanting to talk to someone. But I never responded back.

I remember the day fast forwarding until it slowed down. And again.

I remember calling my younger cousin, her coming, and us sitting on my cousin Angel’s bed, talking about things. And then Angel came upstairs.

And my heart sank.

Because that look on her face.

It was simple. It wasn’t contorted.

And it haunts me. Because I knew.

And I stood up and I said, “What….no…”

And as soon as I spoke she lost it and told me, “Um….Gammy’s not breathing anymore.”

And I raced down stairs. And everyone was in there. And we cried. And we wailed and I couldn’t do it anymore. So I ran. I ran upstairs. I ran into a bathroom. And I screamed. And I threw things. And I didn’t want to breathe. But I did.

I remember going downstairs and sitting at their table with Angel and her then-boyfriend, Jesus. And I remember someone saying to her, “well now you won’t have her anymore” and I got mad because how could you say that to someone? And I yelled at him. And I in return got yelled at for being ‘disrespectful’ and if I could, I would do it again. And I would do it louder.

I remember texting my best friend. And I remember not wanting to talk to her. I remember texting a boy. And I remember wanting him to come hold my hand so I could feel okay. But I wouldn’t let him even though he told me he wanted to come see me.

I remember going outside and calling my brother and telling him what happened and I told him I loved him. I remember my uncle going to get them. And I remember my sister crying and god those tears will never leave my mind.

I remember my cousins making us laugh. I remember the morgue people coming to get her body. And asking if anyone wanted one last look or touch or whatever it was that we needed.

My aunts, and cousins kissed her good bye. My brother too. My mom too. My sister was frightened and didn’t want to. My uncle said, “if you’re not going to say goodbye then why did you ask to come” and she started crying again. And I told him to leave her alone. Because it was okay to be scared.

I was the last one to ever get to touch her skin again. I was the last one to ever kiss her forehead. And she was cold. And I was cold. And I just wanted her to be warm again.

I remember driving back home with my mom, silently crying and wishing that I would just stop. I remember not going to school for 2 weeks, and when I did everyone asked me why I was gone. I remember teachers pulling me aside. I remember friends not knowing what to say to me.

I remember how a month later, I broke. I remember how a day after Christmas, I had to go into a mental rehabilitation institute.

I remember all of this.

Yet I did not want to remember anymore.

And I’m sorry.

I was the last one to ever kiss her.

I’m so so sorry.