PLEASE READ THIS NOW

Hi. So for my dream college, I need to write an essay for application. I'm putting it below cause I want all you writing people to read over it and BE NITPICKY AS HELL AND BE CRITIQUEY AND DO NOT BE NICE. I NEED AS MUCH FEEDBACK AS POSSIBLE AND PLEASE RECOMMEND THIS SO AS MANY PEOPLE CAN LOOK OVER THIS AS POSSIBLE.

Thank you.

The moment I knew I wanted to study neuroscience was in the midst of my brother’s first seizure. I’d been fascinated with the human body from a very young age, but my unique circumstances drove me towards the motherboard of life: the brain. During his seizure, though I was focused and on task: calling 911 and keeping my younger brothers out of the way, I was absolutely fascinated. Why had this happened? What exactly was going on in the brain that was causing this malfunction?
My three younger brothers all have an undiagnosed degenerative brain disease, which has had a great toll on my family. We struggle to find help, and I’m constantly disappointed by lack of answers. To see people you love whose mental age is half their real age, whose hands are constantly shaking, who can’t remember simple things, and whose senses don’t seem to be hooked up correctly is something that is an awfully difficult thing, especially when it seems like you can’t do anything about it. However, I think I can, and I want to pursue it to discover whatever that missing link is and help those who need it.
From the time I was seven, I moved about every two years to different places around the Midwest: the Polish culture-centered Wisconsin, the friendly and pretty Iowa, the structured and work driven stoic Minnesota, and North Dakota, the place that still hasn’t given up the Wild West. The constant change made me adaptive, and helped me to appreciate many different cultures and find beauty in them all. Despite the Midwest’s conservative and stoic personality, I was excited and enthusiastic about everything I did- much to everyone’s confusion. I want to be around excited people, kindred spirits who want to go as far as they can. As a city girl in a very farm-filled area of the country, I want to be somewhere I have endless opportunities and people to interact with.
I’ve become involved with many things in my life, Civil Air Patrol, civilian auxiliary of the Air Force being one of them. I find structure and training there: the opportunity to give back and to do exceptional things. I’ve had chances to fly airplanes, go on practice runs with Army platoons, learn to lead and learn more about myself, and make amazing friends. It’s taught me how to pay attention to detail, leadership skills, how people work and critical thinking.
My life is a combination of creativity and structure, and I believe they work hand in hand. One cannot exist without the other, and the many things I’m involved with: Civil Air Patrol, violin and creative writing, all have made me who I am. I want to be able to further my learning opportunities and use my ability to be both structured and creative to learn what has already been discovered in science. Then I want to be the one to go the next place where we haven’t looked and discover what hasn’t yet been discovered.
There is nothing more motivating than the people you love, and it is my dream to find out what exactly has caused this mysterious disease, and possibly find a cure for it. The constant let-down of not having a diagnosis is heartbreaking, and I know my family isn’t the only ones who experience this. I want to be somewhere where I can possibly help them and be challenged. I believe Boston University is that place for me.