One of the reasons, if not the main reason, I love tumblr so much is the ability of the other bloggers from around the world to perfectly express certain feelings. The most complex of feelings, emotions, thoughts - all condensed into painfully accurate text posts. It's incredible, really, to feel so connected, so understood by complete strangers, by simple words.
This could further delve into my love for the written language - the fine details so commonly overlooked. Tone. Diction. Rhetorical strategies. Punctuation. The way a person writes - how they speak- tells so much about them. And I am so intrigued by this.
However, I did start writing this with a different purpose in mind. I was scrolling along my dash and came across yet another post which resonated far too well.
"It hurt, but I still stayed." - anonymous, six word poetry.
The simplicity of it hit me like a brick. I instantly was reminded of my current relationship, which I have been pondering incessantly. We talk of love and marriage and a future together, despite the fact that I am so terribly,
irrevocably full of anger, hate, pain, and sadness because of my life with him. I keep telling myself it will get better - but everyone knows that it's complete bullshit. Even me.
More and more often I find myself unbearably sad or angry, or both - at which time I lock myself away in a bathroom, trying not to noticeably cry, and reevaluate my life. I think of all I've lost (friends, family, freedom, happiness, opportunity) and all that I have gained (weight,alcoholism, stress, an over-controlling, abusive boyfriend).
So if I know the situation is so ridiculously wrong, unhealthy, and unnecessary, why is it so hard to leave? Why is it so difficult for me to walk away, to take the opportunity of going to my favorite city to attend the perfect college, to experience life, to be happy. It's all available, and Im not even strong enough to accept it? I've given up everything for this, for him, and for what? A miserable life in which I feel ready to committ at any moment? A life where I'm concerned for my well being and safety? A life lived on edge, when he could snap any second? I won't make it.
But will life really be any better if I do finally move to Denver and attend culinary school? I don't feel ready to start new in an unfamiliar place with unfamiliar people. I'm not stable enough for that. Too scared, too scarred, too anxious. But if I stay here, I'll never be ready to leave him. I'm not strong enough for that. Too scared, too scarred, too dependent.
I like to write here as a way to express myself, if it weren't for mibba, or even tumblr, everything would stayed trapped inside. Who else would I tell than the strangers of the internet.
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