Great. I haven't written one of these in a while. The last time was right after Storm left. That was a couple weeks ago. I am dating Alex. For those of you who don't know, he's a guy that I dated back in 7th grade and well to sum it up, this is our 4th time dating. But fuck anyone who says anything about it. I am so damn happy. The other night I literally sat down and thought about us for a minute (but it ended up being an hour, three songs, and 2 poems). I realized that for the first time in my life I am actually happy and not doubting a decision I have made. No matter what, I have always wondered what the hell I am thinking whenever I decide something. But for the first time, ever.... I'm not. It's fucking amazing. I mean yeah, occasionally it pops into my head but no matter what I realize that I made a good decision here.
I want this time to work. I really do. Not like Randy, or Vince, or even the last 3 times we tried. I'm actually trying. I'm actually letting me be myself. I'm actually saying what I'm feeling. I talk to him constantly. I'm actually starting to realize that this could actually work. Of course , I still doubt this sometimes but then I see him and it all goes away. Yes, I haven't kissed him in like a 1 week, 3 1/2 days, 1 hour, and oh... 14 minutes. But who's counting? It's still amazing to be his. And for him to be mine. Yes, I've gone mushy again. But whatever.
Yes, I'm still falling apart and out. I've lost all sanity. I can't control anything, myself, my thoughts, my mind, my emotions, and most especially my actions. Everyone can tell. The teachers keep asking me what the hell is wrong. They all notice something is off. My family has finally realized that I've lost it. I don't even know what is wrong though. I mean, I can't even think straight. My friends all try to help but I don't let anyone one know what is wrong. I don't even know. My great-grandma has cancer. My friends get pissed off at me just randomly now. My mom is treating me like shit. All of my exes hate me. Everyone at school is saying shit. Even my closest friends. I won't let anyone know that there is something wrong though. I just smile and laugh like nothing's wrong.
I am so upset that Storm is gone but at the same time, it's good. She would see right through my cover as if it were transparent. She would pull me aside, slap me across the face, and not let me be until I told her. I feel like I'm literally falling apart. I'm not even joking. I wake up every damned day and wonder why. It's not like I'm accomplishing anything. I'm not making anyone's life better. I'm not doing anything spectacular. I'm not here for a reason. I barely talk to my best friend anymore, Alex would survive and find someone else, Vince probably wouldn't even notice, and Randy would be just fine. Mahogany will finally find a normal best friend. Half of the school wouldn't even notice and the other half would fucking rejoice. I mean fuck.
I just want to feel better. I want to be welcomed. I want people to like me. I want to not be weird anymore. I want to be fucking normal, have normal friends, have people look up to me. I want to inspire someone. I want to be someone else. I want to start over. I am literally crying right fucking now. Poor Alex just saw me and was so damn worried. Fuck. He isn't supposed to be worried for me. I just want him to be happy. He finally got the girl. I mean, I wish I knew what the hell was wrong with me. I'm soo fucking unstable. Just ughhhh. I want this all to go away.
Sorry if you read all of that. I know, I'm mental. Love you guys <3
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