Some days I just feel like a failure of a Mibbian/Writer.

Eh. I know that I shouldn't feel this way and that I should write for me(and I do) it's just.....lately I feel like a complete failure when it comes to my stories and writing, especially here on Mibba. I haven't updated anything in like a month or so. It's not because I don't want to because I REALLY FREAKIN DO want to. I try so hard to gather my mind up enough to sit down and concentrate enough to write. It's so tough sometimes. Like when I'm not completely exhausted from work or when I actually get ALONE time to write, I never feel motivated or inspired.

Like I get inspired to write at the most inopportune times. Usually it's in the morning when I'm on the way to work and can't type on my laptop or write in a notebook. So by the time the workday is over and I'm home, it's time to make dinner and spend time with my husband. Like I really love my husband and enjoy being married....it's just with work and one on one time with him, I never get time to write anymore.

I just wish I could take a vacation in the middle of some abandoned area so I could just rest my mind and make it to where the only obligation I have is to wake up, eat and work on my writing. I mean....how do writers like who are published find the time to write? I mean sure some of them now who have had several books published probably make that their living but they all started out someplace and probably had to work a job plus raise kids and fool with family.

I mean also when I DO get inspired to write, it's never on what story I really need to work on. Sigh. Like I have this story called, Kill The Light. I have all the chapters planned out in my head for like the next ten chapters but I get so impatient. I want to work on writing a certain part that happens later in the story but first I know I have to write all the beginning and build up chapters. I know I could just write the parts I want on my computer and then post them when the time comes, but see, I feel so bad because I haven't updated anything on here so it's like if I sit here and take the time to write those parts of the story out, I wish I could update them now. I just want to pull my hair the fuck out.

It's not that writing has become work to me because it hasn't yet....it's just the fact that I'm apparently too fucking scattered brained to sit here and write what needs to be written FIRST OR AT ALL. I guess I'll have to break down and go to the damn doctor to get on meds for this probable A.D.D. problem of mine. Do they let people in a mental institution write? Like if I'm in some room alone with white walls and shit then maybe I could have the peace and quiet enough to write.

Taking breaks from writing and Mibba doesn't help either. I've tried that so many times it's not even funny. I've lost count actually. I never used to have this problem as bad as I do now. I used to could at least keep updating the same story for several chapters. I mean that's how, "My Fucking Nightmare," made it to like thirty something chapters. Also I kept up on my first co write, "I Give You My Soul." It just kind of feels like as I get older, I lose the will to do stuff.

Maybe not the will entirely because I have the intention to do stuff but not the fucking follow through. Like right now I have some free time to write but all I want to do is crawl in bed and sleep because work wore me out today and I'm just tired of dealing with their bullshit lately. They never give me my breaks until I've been there for nearly five hours and they all KNOW I'm hypoglycemic. I guess when I pass out in the floor one day they might see the error of their ways.

As far as a failure of a Mibbian goes besides not updating regularly, I feel bad because I'll post a blog and then like people will comment but sometimes I won't get to reply to them for like several days. It's not because I'm trying to ignore anyone it's just because I never have time to sit here long enough to give people the replies I want and because my internet use is complicated. Like I get decent signal on my phone but it's tough writing out really long replies like I like on a smartphone. My internet on my computer is SHIT. I'm working on that though this month hopefully.

Sometimes I'm surprised anyone still wants to be my friend on here. I try to reply and respond to people as much as I can....I just feel like I've been slacking BIG TIME. I'm gonna go lay down now before I end up depressing myself. I'm too emotionally spent today and physically drained.