I Want It All

♪♫ I've dreamt about you nearly every night this week,
How many secrets can you keep?
Cause there's this tune I found that makes me think of you somehow and I play it on repeat ♪♫

Having a crush on someone is an usual thing. There’s a person in your life – someone you’ve chosen to admire, someone your mind has gripped onto. But it’s when that crush turns into something more, that things get a little tricky.

You dream about them. Constantly, too, not just sometimes. Every night, you dream of their face – even if it’s only for a second. You dream of skin on skin and their lips against yours, and you wake up, devastated that it was all in your head. And then you see them, and you get to feel that – skin on skin, lips on lips. You fall asleep in their arms and they play with your hair and they bury their head in your chest because they don’t want to get out of bed. It’s perfect. So you wander in the direction of home, and you’re joking and teasing and hinting at the future, but then they get off the bus and you feel a little bit emptier. Even more so as the bus drives away, continuing on its journey with you still on board, while they walk down the street, heading for a day that is separate from yours.

Talking to them is the highlight of your day. It’s ridiculous, really, that they have that power over you – that when you wake up to a text from them, you know your day is going to be a good one. But if they’re busy, and you don’t hear from them for a while, your day is miserable. You sit there, in the middle of that important lecture, checking your phone. You scribble down your thoughts instead of lecture notes, and think about them instead of that stupid book you were supposed to read two weeks ago but never did, because you were too busy travelling to see them.

Having feelings for someone…it’s dangerous, really. You’re distracted, you’re not talking about the things you’d usually talk about. You’re thinking of them, you’re talking about them. You find yourself over-thinking every last move they make, every single word they say, to the point of misery. But you don’t want to rush things, you don’t want to jump into a relationship too soon, and get hurt again, like last time. But you need some sort of direction, some sort of reassurance that everything is going to turn out okay. That all of this over-thinking, all of this stress and pain that shouldn’t even be pain – because really, why are you hurting, when all they’ve done is be good to you? – is worth it. You just need to know something, something has to change.

It’s crazy, really. This person, this person who I never, ever would have expected to have feelings for, can do this to me. This person, who isn’t in any way perfect. He’s not my ‘type’, and he’s got flaws. Plenty of them. But he hit me like a fucking hurricane, and I’ve come to far to go back, now.