A lot of guys use this phrase when they've been rejected or friend-zoned, or seen someone rejected or friendzoned. They, or a peer of theirs, tried their very best to treat the girl they like with utmost respect, and she wasn't interested. So they think, "Oh, she doesn't like to be respected. That's why she's always going after douches."
This whole mindset really irritates me, because it's so untrue. I'm going to disprove it, step by step. Before we begin, here are some of the characteristics of a "nice guy."
Nice guys will:
- talk to her a lot
- compliment her a lot
- wait for her to end the phone conversation
- answer all her calls, even at inconvenient times
- reschedule or drop plans to hang out with her
- offer to do little things to help her out
- always try to be around her
- ask how she's feeling
- listen genuinely when she's talking
- never insult her, even teasingly, as not to offend her
- stick up for her when other people are teasing her
- always express concern for her
- be protective in a group atmosphere
- try to be 100% honest with her
- treat her like the single most important person in the world
- not pay attention to any other girls
- always go where she wants to go for dinner
- do things they don't like just because she likes them
- text back immediately
- be disappointed when she doesn't text back immediately
- always agree with her to keep from arguing
- mistake her little worries for signs of low self-esteem
- always try to build her self-esteem
- tell her she's beautiful every chance possible
- confess to her their deepest feelings
There's probably more, but we'll just start with these. You might be wondering, "How could those possibly be bad?" Truthfully, they're not. Occasionally. But all the time? It gets old way faster than you realize. Girls who are friends with a "nice guy" might appear overjoyed to be treated so specially at first, but once the newness wears off, she'll actually get annoyed. Nobody likes being treated like a china doll all the time. Once you make her the center of your universe, you lose your independence. You orbit her. Your life, your plans, your feelings, and your opinions become second to hers. THIS IS NOT GOOD. This means you have placed a lower value on yourself, and she'll catch onto that faster than you will. This is the prime reason why "nice guys" get walked over so easily. How wouldn't they, when they made such a distinct choice to jump on the ground and be a doormat for her?
Being nice is a good thing. Girls don't inherently hate niceness. In fact, they love it. They love feeling special. But when they're being complimented all the time, it becomes a common thing. They begin to disregard it. It almost becomes predictable. She doesn't need to work to impress you anymore--she knows you already think she's beautiful, even at her worst. She's not curious about your opinions, and she's not going to try to figure you out. She doesn't need to. You've already shown her your entire hand.
Have you ever heard of "the chase"? It's the part of dating where you like someone, but you don't know if they like you back yet. This generates a curiosity, an energy, an excitement. It's what motivates you to impress them. You want their approval, so you do whatever is in your power to get it. This is the when a "nice guy" generally begins doing everything I've listed above.
Which is the worst choice he could possibly make. The moment he lets her know he likes her, the chase is over. Completely. All of the suspense--which is by the way, the best part of liking someone--is gone. She has nothing left to wonder about, nothing to work for. He's basically stuck a "Free" sign on his chest. No wonder she doesn't value him like he should be valued! HE doesn't value himself!
This is where the whole concept of "playing hard to get" comes in. Not many people can fully understand this concept, and it's often screwed up. Girls think they have to be female dogs, and guys think they have to be players. NO. That's not what playing hard to get is. Think of it as lengthening the chase. Keeping her interested. And here's a few ways a guy can do that.
1. Lower your availability. Don't keep your plans open in hopes of scoring a date--or even a hangout--with her. Set up some nights with your friends, and DON'T CANCEL THEM. Even if she asks you to go somewhere. If you cancel, you just shifted your life's importance down a notch and hers up. You don't have to be a jerk in turning her down. Just let her know you've already got plans and you'd be happy to set up some with her for another night. She'll actually respect you more for sticking to your word than for dropping everything to be with her.
2. Tone down the compliments. Yes, I know you think she's perfect, but if you blurt that out all the time, it'll lose significance. If she's interested in you, she wants to impress you--but she wants to work for it, too. Keep an eye out for subtle changes in her appearance, like a new piece of clothing, a new hairstyle, or a new accessory. Then honestly tell her you like it, or think it's cute on her or something.
3. Express your independent opinions. If she likes Taco Bell but you can't stand it, let her know. Don't just sit there and suffer through gordita after gordita just to please her. You've heard this before, but relationships are a two-way street. If she's not willing to go somewhere you like, why should you be willing to go somewhere she likes? Which brings me to my next point.
4. Don't let her walk over you. One easy way a girl can test the level of a guy's independence is by asking them for favors. Girls do this subconsciously, so don't hate them for it. "Nice guys" have a lot of trouble turning girls down when they ask for favors because they'll often pout and act hurt when turned down. Don't worry about that! It's mostly just for show, anyway, to see if you'll change your mind. This is a challenge, and if you give in, she'll win. Now, if the situation is serious, like she's fallen fully-dressed into a pool and needs you to get her a towel from upstairs or something, by all means don't NOT get her the towel. Being nice is great, but if you find yourself doing things for her that she could clearly do for herself, you've gone way too far. Don't be her slave! And for goodness's sake, don't offer to be her slave, either!
4. Keep her guessing. "Nice guys" are prone to thinking that sharing your feelings is a good thing. Nah mate, that's what her best friends are for! (Also why "nice guys" usually end up BEING friendzoned.) Sure, she WANTS to know what you're feeling, but if you mistake that as an opportunity to spill everything you've always admired about her, she's gonna feel a little smothered. The more mysterious you seem to her, the more interested she'll be; likewise, the less mysterious you seem, the less interested she'll be. If she knows everything that's on your mind, what will she have to wonder about?
5. Keep your insecurities hidden. Talking about them might help her "get to know you better," but it'll also send a rapid fire of arrows into that sleek, knight-in-shining-armour image she's got of you in her mind. Show her your strengths, not your weaknesses! Those can come later, when she's already head over heels for you.
And, if worse comes to worst, here's one last tip:
6.Take no for an answer, and move on. It's absolutely exhausting to a girl when she's told a guy she's not interested, and he keeps trying. The faster you can pick yourself back up, the happier you'll be. And happiness, that's attractive. Plus, she's not the only girl in the world, regardless what you think. You'll have many more chances, but if you don't hurry up and get ready for them, you could miss the most important one.
That's all I've got for now. I know this site is like 90% female, so I'm probably not even talking to the right audience, but at least I spit it out. Maybe some of you girls can relate to the having known--and not been interested in--these "nice guys," or maybe you've got some guy friends who could benefit from this. Please share it if you think it'd be helpful! And if you've got something to add, let me know in the comments!
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