Have you guys heard this song by Halestorm? It's absolutely amazing. My crazy wish is to sing it someday and devote it to the person I will love. It doesn't really matter if this person will be girl or boy. Anyway, I'm off topic slightly. I choosed this title for my first entry 'cause right now I don't feel beautiful or good at all.
I'm writing here 'cause I have no one to talk anout my problems and things that bother me most. I'm just gonna blurt it out here.
I feel like my life goes nowhere and the most terrible thing about this is that I'm perfectly fine with it. I haven't entered the university this summer. I can't move out this country. I have no opportunities to do what I really want.
I have clinical depression and borderline personality disorder. I have finally find out about the disorder after searching about self-harm on the internet few days ago. Self-harm is one of the possible sympthoms of BPD. Then I read about this disease on wiki and few others sites, passed an online test for BPD on about.com with answering "yes" to 9 out of 10 questions. I don't have permanent fear of being abondened, maybe simply 'cause there's no one left around who can do it. Well, I have my mom and brother, who I'm living with. And my dad who's in Russia now. Thanks God for them. I'm sure that no one of them not gonna leave or move out. But I'm afraid of their death. My parents are 55 and 53 right now, I think about them pass out and simply the thought about it terrifies me.
I don't have any friends left, just casual acquitances. I feel unabled to make new ones, though I need it so bad. I feel unabled to let people in my life, I don't wanna fall in love with someone, 'cause I know it will never ends in a good way.
No one gonna love me with all my issues, mood swings and depression. I've already accepted this fact.
I'm afraid that someday I'll end up cutting too deep when there is no home.
I dream about someone to hold my hand or just hold me in sleep. I dream about someone who will love me and help to overcome my depression. 'Cause I simply cannot do this myself.
I've been crying before falling asleep every night because of emptiness and loneliness. Now I just don't feel anything. May be I deserve all this shit 'cause I'm a bad person.
All by myself I'm only drawning deeper and don't even want to become healthy again. I struggled for years and now I simply don't see the end of all this or the reason for getting better.
I can't tell about this to my mom 'cause I don't want to bring her more problems than she's already have to deal with working on 4 jobs. Besides telling her about this won't help at all. She won't take me to therapy or lock up in the hospital simply because considering the country we're living in, it would useless.
Yeah, we could find a personal therapist who would then prescribe me some meds, which I doubt could help. And therapist + meds will cost a lot of money we don't have.
Also, I may have some physical health issues which would require more immidiate help soon.
Mental health may wait for....I don't know really for how long.
Things that made me happy once don't do it anymore. Yeah, I like music and it still makes me smile sometimes, but it also could make me think that me dreams about being a singer in a rock band never come true.
My sexuality is also an issue I can't be honest about with anybody here. My family goes to lutheran church and so do I actually. But I lost mu faith long ago. 'Cause I can't be holy, I can't keep with the standarts of God, so I gave up on the whole religion thing. I know that both genders attract me in a sexual way, though I know that I'm not ready to have sex with any.
Things aren't that bright, right?
My mom says to think about people who have more serious and bigger problems than me, but thinking about them just makes me feel bad for them. No one deserves to suffer. This world sucks. Our society sucks. Lonelines sucks.
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