I Want to Write About how Good I Feel, But....

I have to get there first.

Because honestly, I don't.

I don't know what's wrong with me.
I have weeks I just want to curl up under my blanket and wait for the world to die.
Or I think that the world would be better off if I offed myself. Because then my friends wouldn't have to deal with me.Maybe, you know?

Then I'm on edge. All the time.
And I'm pretty sure I burden my friends. I don't want them to know. To view me as weak.
So I don't tell them. Sometimes I tell my best friend.
Then I feel like shit for doing that.
I usually start crying.

Because I'm scared to keep on living. I just want to be done.
I have panic attacks when I think about going to school.
I kind of hear things.
But I don't. It's like knowing that people are talking even if you can't hear them. Only I can't see them either.

I know something's wrong. I don't know what it is, maybe I'm meant to feel like this.
But I feel like something's wrong.

I'm never happy.
Sure, I laugh. Smile. Tell jokes and find things funny.
But I'm never really happy.
I know some of you know what I mean.
I'm not the only one like this.

I was looking at tattoo designs today. I saw one that was 'I am not afraid to keep on living.' from Famous Last Words by MCR and... It kind of hit me, how I am.

And I don't want to be like that.
I'm tired of the apathy, the anxiety, and being scared. Listening too hard for things that are inside my head, apologizing for things I haven't done, not sleeping, not eating, waking up and feeling like someone's watching me or grabbing me or going to hit me, humiliating myself by having panic attacks in front of everyone, being awkward and hiding in the back of classrooms and locking myself in the bathroom until the bell rings, nightmares, no friends, thinking my friends hate, making up my own world to live in, flinching when people try and touch me.

I'm sick of it.
I want to be able to be myself.
And I have no idea what to do about it.