So I guess I'm kind of still very much in love with him *vomits*

I was having a perfect night with my baby (laptop) when I check my stupid facebook and I see he's posted that he's home for the holidays.

How is that after two years I'm am still so affect by him?!

This has thrown my entire life night off track.

I was in LOVE with him in high school and we were the typical almost lovers but blah blah he had a girlfriend and was a liar and a cheater and popular and I was a dumb ugly loser. Still I liked him so much and we had this stupid connection. *enter dramatic sigh and eye roll*

This is a blog I wrote a few years ago about him. Please excuse the poor grammar and punctuation. I just found another one here about when he first left. I'm such a nerd.

Why? Why? Why.? The last time we saw each other I acted really weird and distant and I regret it so much. I wonder if he'll ask to see me again. I kind of want him too but then again I don't.

He's so different and I know he's still my dumb little boy underneath all of his college popularity and muscles but I don't know. I've a year trying not to have a mental breakdown and he's spent the year playing on his dream football team. I kind of just don't want him to realize that I'm the same loser I was in high school. I want to be someone that he can fall in love with. I feel like we were cheated. If we would have just had a little more time...whatever it's pointless.

He's got a new girlfriend now I think. Sometimes I just want to hate him because it's so much easier than feeling like a piece of shit, sitting around and cooing over someone who probably isn't even thinking about me.

I don't dream about him anymore. I use to almost every night. I would have these happy dreams and I'd wake up sad. I use to find myself thinking about him at the most random times and one day I just didn't anymore. I thought that I was over him. I really did but something about knowing that he's in town again and we're so close to each other yet still so far away, just brought all of these stupid feelings back. I need to lie down. My head and my heart hurts.

I'm so stupid. I just wan to be rid of him but I also just want to see him again because I haven't felt this connection with anyone else yet. I'm so messed up.

What if he doesn't ask to hang out again? What if he does?! GOD! I'm so messed up about this and him grrr!!1!