I'm not as strong as everyone thinks I am

My best friend/boyfriend of 1.5 years killed himself last January. I was the last one he ever spoke to, and I tried to get him help, though he adamantly refused saying it was "weakness" or that he was "fine."

My best friend/roommate attempted suicide for the second time last weekend. She was having chest pains at first in the worst anxiety attack she's ever had, so I called the ambulance. When she found out, she went off at me--pulling out everything I've ever done to make her mad and telling me what a terrible human being I was and that I was dead to her. The EMT's left, and she proceeded to try and take her own life, my friend and I managed to stop her. Our RA called for help, and this time the police came and took her to the medical center to get her help. Her last words to me as she was leaving were,

"You're fucking dead to me."

She came back on Tuesday. Talking about how she knew she needed help and she was going to change the way she lived, because it wasn't healthy. She keeps talking to me as everything is okay and hunky-dory. It isn't though. I'm not mad at her about what she said, but now I know. And now it's harder to trust her. She's my best friend, and I'll always be there for her, but I need time, and she doesn't understand that. For her, it's like it never even happened.

It's been a week, and I'm already scared. I know change doesn't occur over night, but she's sinking back into the same old routine.

I can't lose another best friend.

I'm not as strong as everyone thinks I am.

I'm not ok.
December 13th, 2013 at 10:05pm