Stay to the power of three.

I know my blog isn't something people read, but I figure that's okay. It might even be a good thing.

It's not really a secret to those who know me that I'm a bit obsessive compulsive. I don't use that term lightly or in colloquial context. I am literally a bit obsessive compulsive. Meaning my symptoms have yet to present themselves in an extreme fashion but in a strange interrelated, determined to make things harder way, my ADHD has a strong component of obsessive compulsive. Anyway, that's totally not my point, my point was that part of my obsession is tracking things. I have a running tally of days past, days until, and of course reads. I literally count every single read of every single chapter posted. Is that totally weird, yes! Does it give me an unbeatable sense of calm and accomplishment, absolutely! I'm a controller and I like having numbers at my disposal. Which leads me to my next point. Between Mibba and Hockey FanFiction, I have over 53,000 reads.... Fifty-three-thousand reads! That's just on Stay, Stay, Stay. I could totally humble brag and say that's not that many, but if I had a dime for every read I'd be able to pay most of next semester's tuition, so it's kind of a huge deal in my life.

I joke around with my friends that my ego is all inflated and I do it for the fans and all that nonsense, but it's not true. I do it for me, because there's nothing I like more in the world. It's not super productive and it might not make me a great living, but writing is that one thing in my life that makes everything else feel like it's worth sticking out. I've been told a few times that if I ever want to have a successful relationship I have to tone it down, learn to prioritize, let myself love someone as much as I love writing, but I don't think I can. Because who would I talk to about my life if I couldn't write? How would I express anything if I couldn't write? God knows I'm useless with face to face conversation, I can do it if I have to but it's exhausting and after half an hour I'm ready to go. I guess if I really did wanted that whole interpersonal connection I'd have to find someone who is as passionate about something as I am writing, because they need to be just as distracted as I am. But that's not even something I'm thinking about. Right now I'm thinking about what I can do to make this better, as close to perfect as possible.

There's a part of me that worries I'm going to push readers away with the twists and turns, I forget that they're, you're, all along for the ride too. That this story is different to every person who reads it. It's along the lines of all that sentimental "special snowflake", subjective bullshit. I call it bullshit because I'm not a sentimentalist who is about to get into the intricacies of unique person to person emotions.

I guess this is my round about, horribly worded thank you. For reading, for encouraging, for giving a shit. I promise there are lovely things in store for Beatrice.

December 17th, 2013 at 05:29am