There is nothing in this life, no one small object or deeper desire that I have ever wished for than for my success as a singer.
The only things I ever feel comfortable in nowadays are my words and my voice, and the fever-dream that is my desire for success in music feels like it's been injected straight in to my veins. It's behind everything I do, every sleeping and waking moment. That vision of myself, on stage, some pulsing crowd calling my own quiet words back to me like a bizarre game of Marco Polo. I've never felt so whole than when I sing, and my voice is such an extension of my own soul that I feel like I'm not really living without it present in my every day.
The worst part of it all is not even the keening, obsessive desire, but the denial of it by everyone else. My parents don't want me to chase this dream, my friends don't understand. How can they understand that I can't breathe without it when they've never felt it themselves?
I'm supposed to be going to University to become a teacher next year. I feel like I'm always going to have this restless disturbance in my bones until I make it to be the person I want to be. I want to prove myself so badly. I have so much to prove, so much to give this world. I've been so held back in my life, and I'm so tired of it. Now I'm in this strange transitory period between school and the rest of my life where all my days go so slowly that I want to sleep them away, and there is this fire in my stomach that builds and builds every day.
Just the idea of making it makes me so happy that I feel like being there will fulfil something in me. Keep your fingers crossed for me.
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