A few months ago, I wrote a blog about being clean for over a year. I stopped cutting sometime in April of 2012. I was comitted to stop and to stay strong. I did it for my parents. They found out, and the look in my mother's eyes was heartbreaking.
But lately, however, I've been feeling so numb, so disconnected from the world. It's like everything I do is wrong, and I'm always being yelled at. I cry every single night, and I feel so selfish. I know so many people have it so much worse than me, yet I keep throwing a pity party for myself. It's ridiculous, really.
Anyway, I felt the urge to cut a couple nights ago. I have been feeling the urge for a while now, every couple of months. But that night was the worst. I swear, if there was a pair of scissors or anything that could be used as a weapon, I would have cut. I wanted to stay strong, so I called my friend, and she talked to me. She made me feel better.
I felt so good last night. So unbelievably good. I went to the movies with that friend and saw catching fire, and then we went out for ice cream. I was laughing and everything felt good.
But today I broke. There's really no other way to say it. My dad yelled at me and I yelled back and I was just so angry. I had all this pent up frustration that I couldn't deal with it anymore. I took the blades that I had kept in my wallet and sliced my skin for the first time in over a year.
Now, I don't want any pity. I don't want anyone to tell me that it gets better. I want the truth. I want to know that I made a stupid decision. I want to hear it because I feel so numb inside, and I don't know what to feel. Just having someone to talk to right now is all I can ask for.
Thank you.
Relapse on Cutting
December 23rd, 2013 at 11:18pm