Better but Worse

I've gotten better but worse since I've gotten back from the pavilion. Better in the sense that I'm sort of more able to deal with mom. My temper is more in check. But worse because sence I have been back I've started to fall back into selfharm. That's not it either. I can't be alone. And if I am I have to be Texting someone or thoughts take over and I start to collapse mentally. I'm better about dealing with some of my problems but more dependent in needing someone around so I don't break down. But ever tho I need someone around I can't be around a lot of people. Now every time we go someone like the store or something I start to have a panic attack and I have to go and just stay in the bathroom. I honestly haven't been able to go in public and not cry. Nights have gotten worse too. Once I finally fall asleep, which isn't easy, I will have nightmare after nightmare and wake up crying. And I want so badly to call someone and talk to them but that defeats the purpose of not relying on other people to help me. I'm honestly just a mess. Now more than ever. When I first got back which was two weeks agony was actually doing somewhat better. And I had someone to talk to. But now..I don't know. School ismt helping either because I get around a bunch of people and I get overwhelmed. So I spend most of class holding back tears. I don't know what's happening to me. My thought of suicide don't come around as often which is good. But when they do they are more serious than before. Which is bad. I'm seeing a therapist. And that's sort of helping. But I can only see her like once a month for right now so it's hard because before her I saw someone every week.

And as a side note..I'm sorely I haven't been posting as much. I'm still writing every now and then but I just don't ever get around to posting anymore.
December 27th, 2013 at 03:48am