Absolutely On My Own

I am writing this because I feel like I just need to write about it, to get it off my chest, to just feel a little better about the situation I guess? To get some feedback? To know I'm not alone, that other people out in the world are going through the same thing? I guess it's selfish of me to wish that others were in my same position to just not feel so damn alone but their must be other people out there that have the same problem.

So anyways to the point, I am 20 years old now, I have been out of highschool over 3 years and I had heaps of friends in Highschool, I had lots, I always had something to do on the weekends and after school, I was always out and about with my friends and was never feeling alone. As predicted a bunch of us went our separate ways after High School, we got jobs, partners and whatever and just lost contact but I still had the few old friends and a few new friends I made to keep me company. Everything was great, I was getting out and being social until I met him.

His name was Alex and I did really like him, we were together for just over a year when it all ended. I have this bad thing where I just stop liking the guy, I will either get bored or start resenting them, most of the time I resent them and every single little thing he does drives me up the wall so I just end it. I know I didn't love him, I wasn't very upset about breaking up, I almost felt relieved it was over with. Now like most people in relationships, well with what I think anyway, I lost contact with a lot of friends. I had my new boyfriend, we did everything together, we spent the weekends together and I stopped going out with my friends because I was busy with work and him, now I really regret it.

The first month I was single I went out to a party and met some new people which got me nowhere, we became friends on facebook but never went any further from there, never made plans to meet up, now we never talk, so that was a dead end. I reconnected with a few old friends, went out to dinner with them, shopping. I also made a new friend at work and went out with her now and then. But now I am all alone and have no one, New Years Eve is coming up and I have nothing to do, none of my friends have invited me out, none of them, I have posted on facebook that I am free and nothing, I feel like I've done something horrible to them all when I haven't, its like I'm being ignored. I haven't been out for a month or more now, I have lost count, I feel like I am getting depressed, I just feel so damn alone and like I have nobody who cares about me, nobody who wants to actually spend time with me, its a horrible feeling.

I was seeing an old friend, we have been friends for a few years now started to hang out again because we're both newly single. Sadly he had admitted he has a crush on me and wants a relationship or even to be friends with benefits but I am not interested in that. I am not attracted to him in any way to have a relationship and now because I've turned him down he's stopped hanging out with me...now I feel like shit as well as alone.

So here's to a crappy year, and a new one that is starting off really crappy...I hope something changes, I have no idea what to do about being friendless...it's really upsetting having no one to talk to.