My Mind Is A Mess.

I simply can not concentrate on a single thing. I'm tearing myself apart right now.

I'm happy but I'm sad and emotional at the same time. One of my close friends, keeps telling me his feelings for me. Now don't get me wrong he's a fantastic person, but I just don't feel the same way as him any more. I just see him as very close friend. I don't have it in me to tell him this now because I know it'll hurt him and that's the last thing I want to do.

I've resulted in turning my phone off for the past couple of days to avoid talking to him. Now part of it is my fault, I'm too nice to people. But I let myself get close to people and then I push them away. I basically blow hot and cold and he feels that I only talk to him because I'm merely tolerating him which really hurts me to know he thinks that when really I appreciate him the fuck out of him because he's such a good friend and is always there when I need someone. As weird as this may sound I hate getting close to people, I hate letting myself get close to people and letting them in. I only push people away to prevent them from getting hurt.

I've told him that I can't help the way I am and what I do. He keeps telling me that he won't hurt me and I want to believe him I really do but I can't believe it. I know I'll get hurt and I know he'll get hurt. It's how it works.

I'm hurting him by being the way I am but I can't change it.