Tell me that it's alright

For years I had had terrible relationship after terrible relationship. I don't regret any of them though. They made me who I am today, but I don't know how to do anything but those types of relationships.

I'm having that problem right now. I met a guy, and I really like him. He already considers me his girlfriend, and I want to consider him my boyfriend I really do. But I find myself having panic attacks thinking that he is just doing this for fun and games. But apart of me knows that he isn't like that.

But I still find myself over thinking every little detail. I find myself keeping everything buried deep inside me, letting it only come out in messed up ways. I have this pain in my chest and I have no idea how to get rid of it. He is basically changing everything that Ive ever known about myself. He's making me feel things that no one has ever made me feel.

It's like someone is attempting to chip away the ice that I have solidified around my heart.

And a part of myself is happy that someone is attempting to do this, but to chip it all away is to know the real me. The real me that has chased so many different people away. I'm starting to feel naked, but not in the way that where everyone sees just your skin. Not in the sexual way. But in that way where they strip away every defense that you have ever built and seeing the real you. Without all the armor that you had built through the years. That's what this feels like, to be truly naked.

I'm not sure how I feel about it all.

Its like standing at the ledge of the canyon and the only way to cross is to take a step down and hope that there is something there to grab a hold of you. It's frightening to me. Relationships scare me to the point where I normally want to run.

But doesnt it say a lot for me not to be running right now? The moment he told me his feelings I could have ran. I could have just started to ignore him and went about my normal routine. Finding random guys and then having them for the night and never speaking to them again. But for some crazy reason I just said yes and held onto his hand. In front of everyone to see.

He has no idea how troubled that I am. How scared I am. And I'm so scared to even tell him about my nervousness because I dont want to have him walk away from me. Because that's what I'm so scared of, I can already feel the edges of me melting. He's asking for me to hold his hand and tell him my secrets. He's trying to figure out who I really am.

I think I'm just babbling now. I think you get the idea of what is going on with me. I don't know how to deal with this feeling. He's making me feel something that I havent ever felt, It's like unknown territory. What do I even do?
January 3rd, 2014 at 02:34am