The Only Thing I Hate

Is when my skills as an artist and a writer tell me no. When I'm sitting in front of the computer screen and I have the best ideas and yet nothing is coming out because my brain is just telling it no. Or when i have the best idea for a picture or I want to copy a stylized band name and my brain just says no. And no matter what I do to make it go away, it doesn't. It just gets worse until it turns into days of staring at screens and pieces of paper, just willing something to come out. But nothing is coming out and it's frustrating because it's my only escape from all the fucked-up shit that happens in my life that I have to put up with on a daily basis.

There's no rules for this shit. There's no guide. There's no way to just pick it back up once it's happened. All those tutorials on how to break writer's block are honestly just such shit because I can't just honestly unblock my brain and I hate that some people are like, "it's easy to fix" and they don't write or draw or even do anything marginally creative so they don't and will never understand how fucking hard it is to just sit there with a billion ideas and your brain and your hands telling you no. This job doesn't fucking come with a guidebook and you either have it or you don't. And it's honestly just the scariest and most exhausting thing ever because even after hours of doing it, I still haven't done enouogh and I know it and I just end up burying my face in a pillow and screaming because it's never enough and I'm so afraid of disappointing all the people who believe in me.

So don't fucking come up to me and tell me that writer's block is easy to fix and that I have it so easy being a writer because you have no fucking clue how much stress and heartache and blood and sweat and tears goes into it. You don't know what it's like for your characters to finally tell each other they love each other and you just break down in tears because it's like your own fucking children are finding happiness but the story isn't over and you know more hell is coming for them.

You don't know what it's like to know the ending and yet be stuck on the next fucking paragraph and just nothing is coming and the words are sitting in your head somewhere, just waiting to come out, maybe dying because you can't reach them and you will never get them back. So you can just take your superior career and your know-it-all attitude about writing and shove it because I am so sick of being told how easy I have it when you have no. Fucking. Idea.